


Aftermath

by Cataline_Lucifer



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Bullying, Child Abuse, Delusional parasitosis, Depression, Domestic Violence, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hogwarts, Hurt Remus Lupin, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), Minor Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, Panic Attacks, Period-Typical Homophobia, Physical Abuse, Quidditch, References to Depression, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt, Torture, Violence, Werewolf Remus Lupin, Young Sirius Black
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-03
Updated: 2019-09-11
Packaged: 2019-10-21 08:59:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 31,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17639756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cataline_Lucifer/pseuds/Cataline_Lucifer
Summary: One simple dare in retaliation got massively out of hand when Sirius forgot what day the full moon was on.





	1. The Not So Funny Prank

Sirius sat back on his creaky wooden chair as his gaze drifted from Professor Slughorn to stared out of the window, uninterested in the lesson going on at the front of the class. He was far too preoccupied with watching the quidditch stadium being set up for the match in a few days, it was a wonder how the sport was still allowed with the amount of people that got hurt and the number of times the stadium got destroyed.

There was a tap on the chalk board that drew his attention back to the front of the class to where Slughorn stood with an unamused look on his face. His mouth was moving but the words seemed to phase in and out of Sirius’ daydream.

“What did I just say Black?” Slughorn was suddenly standing in front of Sirius’ face snapping his fingers impatiently.

“Um… what did I just say Black?” Sirius muttered drawing a snicker from James behind him.

Slughorn began to raise his voice but Sirius had begun to tune out again, focusing intently on the grains in the wood of his desk.

“Are you even listening to me Black?”

“Sorry were you talking?” Sirius looked up in surprise, he didn’t know what was wrong with him.

Slughorn began another rant but again Sirius tuned out, attention drawn to the scoffing behind him.

“The inbreeding has finally caught up to the Black bloodline it seems.” Severus muttered to the boy next to him who let out a snide laugh.

Sirius blinked for a moment, as he processed the comment completely unaware of the calming hand Remus placed on his arm from beside him. Slowly tensing and untensing his hands, Sirius let out a breath and the bottle in Severus’s hand shattered cutting into his hand. Letting out a cry of shock, Severus dropped the glass as blood began to drip from his palm.

Letting out a sigh, the professor took a cloth from his desk and placed it into Severus’s hand, “Get yourself to Madame Pomfrey boy.”

Severus muttered, “Yes Sir.” As he shot a death glare at Sirius. 

“And you Black, you earned yourself a detention.”

“Yes Sir.” Sirius muttered as he turned back to staring at the half-built stadium.

Remus shared a glance with James behind him, it wasn’t uncommon for Sirius to go into a fowl mood after visiting his family but this one seemed worse than usual. They hadn’t seen a snippet of the Sirius they were used to since they had got back five days ago so it was safe to assume the visit was worse than usual. But they didn’t press, they never did. They knew all too well that forcing Sirius to do anything he didn’t want to would only shut himself away more.

Eventually the class was over and one by one everyone else filtered out to lunch, but Sirius didn’t even notice until James hand landed on his shoulder making him flinch into the present. Cringing, James crouched by the other boy’s desk so he could see his eyes under his hair. It really was a bad visit.

“Are you alright mate?” James asked carefully.

“Yeah man, if I don’t make it to lunch can you grab me something?” Sirius tried to force the smile to reach his eyes, but his face felt too heavy. He just hoped James did notice.

“Alright. See you later.”

Muttering a goodbye, Sirius focused on shuffling the paper on his desk until the professor stood by his desk.

“Okay Sirius, what to do with you then?” He tapped his chin thoughtfully for a moment, “Okay I want you to spend the next few days reorganising the textbooks and scrolls over there.”

He pointed to the block of shelves lining the back wall.

“You can do it quickly or you can drag it out, that’s your choice but I want it perfect. Do you understand?”

“Yes Sir.” Sirius muttered

***

Sirius kept his head down as he walked from the potions classroom after another hour of organising the shelves. It was seemingly endless and the perfect thing to get him in an even worse mood than he was already in. But then it got worse. Just down the corridor sat a gaggle of pureblood loving Slytherins and of course with them Snape. One of them stepped out in front of him.

“Piss off.” Sirius spat.

“Aw, that’s not very nice Black.” One of the cackled.

“Oh sorry, did I hurt your feelings?”

“It’s alright Black,” Snape stepped forward, “Now we all have a bit of apologising to do, I think. I’ll start. My comment about your family, it clearly hurt you. So, I am truly sorry that even with every advantage you still managed to fuck up everything you do.”

Sirius rolled his eyes and shoved past one of the Slytherins.

“Where are you going?” Severus spat, “Are you running away tail between the legs? Your brother told us all about how you run and cower at home.”

Sirius tilted his head in a quite rage that threatened to become explosive it he didn’t push it down quickly. White knuckles from clenching his fists too tight, and gritted teeth from his effort to remain silent as he turned up the collar on his leather jacket and started to walk away. But Severus didn’t get the hint because as soon as Sirius turned his back, he grabbed the other boy’s arm and yanked him back. 

“You really need to let go of me Snivellus or do you want me to show you the real reason why my parent hate me?” Sirius leaned in close until their noses almost touched and spoke quietly so that no one else could hear, “Go to the shrieking shack at midnight alone if you have the guts and then we’ll see who the real coward is.”

Maybe if he felt like it later, Sirius could turn into his dog form and scare the crap out of him. Patting Severus’s cheek, Sirius walked away barely containing his rage until he rounded the corner and disappeared up a small flight of stairs. In a weird way the dim oppressive atmosphere reminded him of home where he would sit waiting for his parents to decide what to do with him. As soon as he knew he was out of sight, Sirius slammed his fist into the rough stone slabs over and over until he couldn’t feel the jars that cut through his nerves and blood was pouring down his arm. 

Sirius sighed loudly as he brushed his bangs out of his face and gazed at the purple and black bruising cutting across his skin with apathy before whipping the blood onto his trousers. He hated feeling like this. He hated the dull ache of emptiness that filled his head so profound that not even his friends could draw him out of himself. It was like he had taken a huge step back from life and was watching it from a frosted over puddle.

A few hours later James trotted down the narrow flight of stairs, on glance at their map told him where to find where Sirius had sulked off too. He wasn’t sure why this narrow staircase had become Sirius’ favourite place to brood but he always seemed to end up there when things got a little too much.

“Hey Padfoot.” James crouched on the step above the one where Sirius sat with his head against the wall, “You missed dinner, so I grabbed you some desert, it was your favourite.”

James placed a neat little napkin parcel next to Sirius and sighed, “Come on mate talk to me.”

There was no response, he didn’t even take the cake.

Shuffling his feet, James stood, “Look, it’s a full moon I’m going to head over to the Shrieking shack with Peter if you feel like coming.”

Sirius lifted his head off the wall eyes widening in shock, he had totally forgot about the full moon, “What?”

“It’s a full moon dude, looks like its going to be a big one too.”

“James,” Sirius stood and turned to face the other boy his face wide-eyed and ashen, “I told Severus to go to the shack.”

“You what?” James’s jaw dropped in shock.

“I-”  
“You what!” James roared. Raw anger shot through him as his face turned dark and his clenched his hands into fists.

“I forgot it was a full moon! I was just going to mess with him!” Sirius shouted back in panic.

“Well maybe if you hadn’t spent the last few days sulking you would have known. I can’t believe this.”  
“We can still-” 

Sirius didn’t get to finish as James fixed him with a look comprised of pure anger and disgust and punched him sharply in the face making his head snap back as he lost his footing on the stairs and tumbled backwards. The world tumbled around him as each step cut cruelly into Sirius’ body. Looking up from his heap, Sirius saw James face soften in shock before steeling again and with a shake of his head, he ran back up the stairs leaving his friend laying in an awkward heap below him.

“Prongs.” Sirius managed to croak out, but he was already gone.

Untangling himself, Sirius sat up slowly feeling the sharp ache spreading up his spine, how he hadn’t broken anything was beyond him. Limping, Sirius hobbled back to their dormitory.

***

Sirius sat in front of the dying fire poking at the dying ashes listlessly, it was almost five in the morning.

As soon as he saw James limping through the dormitory common room his trouser leg rolled up showing the bandage around his leg, Sirius leapt to his feet and grabbed his arm forcing him to stop.

“Is Moony okay? Snape’s still alive?”

He didn’t even stop, James just yanked his arm out of Sirius grip and carried on walking to their room his face like thunder. 

“Prongs, talk to me!” Sirius pleaded.

“And say what Black?” Sirius flinched at the use of his last name in James mouth, “Fuck off

“What?”

“You heard me, FUCK OFF!” James practically screamed, “Get out before I beat the living shit out of you.”

“James-”

“No! Do you have any idea the shit you could have caused if I hadn’t got there in time? He would have killed Snape or turned him and then Remus would be executed. The Ministry would have no choice but to put him down! You nearly made him a murderer! But you didn’t even think about that did you?”

“James please…” 

“Remus is traumatised, Snape got hurt and now he knows everything, and my leg is busted so I can’t play Quidditch so I’m out for the season. All because of you and your selfish revenge. Did it make you feel powerful sending someone to their death? But that’s what we should expect from the noble and most ancient house of Black, isn’t it?”  
Sirius couldn’t respond, his chest was too tight as he hugged his body with his arms like it would keep everything in. He cast his eyes to the ground letting his hair cover the tears forming in his eyes.

“That’s what I thought.” James just shook his head and walked away, up the stairs that lead to their room.

And just like that the damn broke and Sirius dropped to the floor, back against one of the heavy armchairs and pulled his knees up to his chest tears blurring his vision. The thoughts accelerated in head and every time he closed his eyes, Sirius could only picture his father standing over him wearing James’s face. Curled in front of the dying fire, his breath came out in shallow gasps and it felt as if his heart was going to explode from his chest or give out from the strain.

There was someone crouching in front of him, but he couldn’t focus of them. Vaguely, Sirius could head them talking to him, something about getting Pomfrey. There was a hand on his face, it was soft and feminine, but Sirius flinched away from it, shooting to his feet. His hands dropped to his sides in tight fists as he shrunk away from the other person, bumping into the wooden table behind him like he didn’t expect it and began to run. Sirius sprinted as fast as he could away from the dormitory, shifting into Padfoot mid stride.

Sirius had no idea where he was going, only that he needed to keep moving. Before he knew it, he had run past the whomping willow to the edge of the forbidden forest. Curling up in the gnarled roots of one of the trees, Sirius watched as the sun began to creep over the horizon casting lines of gold across the land.


	2. The Aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little heads up, this is your trigger warning for self harm in this chapter.

Sirius didn’t bother going to the Great hall for breakfast that morning, instead he found his way to the hospital wing but one foot on the premises and Madame Pomfrey was already there tapping her pen on the clipboard in her hand.

“You shouldn’t be here.” She said sternly.

“But-”

“No but’s Mr Black. Unless you are here to be treated you have no business.”

“I want to see Remus.” 

“That boy went through hell last night because of your actions and he needs to rest.” She turned to walk away but hesitated and her face softened as she held out a bottle of pills, “You look like you’ve been through a little hell as well. These should help with the pain and take down the swelling.”

“I’m fine Madame.” Sirius scowled and crossed his arms but Pomfrey threw the bottle to him making him catch it.

“Just take them with you.”

“Thank you.” He tucked them into his pocket as he tried to lean around the doorframe to catch a glance at Remus, but she moved slightly to block his view.

“Now I think you should clean up and get to lesson.”  
Heart sinking as he turned away, Sirius suddenly realized just how much he had messed up, the fact that even Pomfrey was giving him the cold shoulder. Sirius hurried back to the dormitory quickly suddenly thankful that everyone else was still eating breakfast, he didn’t think he could handle conversation now.

Pushing his way into their bathroom, Sirius’ caught his reflection in the mirror. Purple and scarlet bruising cut across his face and there was a large gash on his right cheek covered in dried blood. Black lined the bottom of his eyes spreading out from his bloody nose and his clothes were torn and stained with dirt and blood. Sirius gingerly peeled off his shirt wincing in pain. Turning, he saw more bruising cutting up his back to the point that the outline of his ribs and shoulder blades were etched in his skin in violent shades of blue and there was a long gaze that followed his spine.

Sirius let out a large sigh as he turned the shower on as hot at it would go and finished undressing. The room quickly filled with steam that swirled around him a clouded the mirror until all Sirius could see of himself was a dark dirty smudge. Stepping under the scalding water, Sirius winced as the water dragged at his skin searing his wounds. He welcomed the pain though, the tiniest penance for the greatest betrayal. It wasn’t enough. Leaning over to the pile of clothes dumped in the corner, Sirius dug in the little pocket on the right side of his jeans until he found what he was looking for. 

The blade was little and flimsy but deadly sharp. Toying with the blade, Sirius let it cut his fingertips a little so that tiny beads of blood collected on the surface, but it wasn’t enough, it was never enough. Slumping to the floor, Sirius inspected his skin tracing every ridge of scar tissue that covered his thighs, his thin arms and his torso until he found a piece of offending skin. What’s one more? 

He pressed the blade to the side of his thigh and drew his arm towards himself testing. Frowning, he drew over it harder this time and gasped as his skin split open and blood began to spill from the wound. Sirius tilted his head as he inspected it with a surgeon’s eye and washed the wound clean so he could see how far he had gone. One more swipe like that hand he should hit fat. 

But it wasn’t one more swipe. Once he was satisfied with the bubbles of fat poking out of the wound, he made another, then another, then another until the water at his feet ran deep red rather than clear. It still wasn’t enough; his heart was still so heavy. Looking down at his chest, Sirius could almost see the offending emotions sitting just below his skin. Taking the blade in his shaking hand again Sirius drew it across his ribcage so deep he could see a little bone. Well it wasn’t very deep, there just wasn’t a lot of flesh there. Sirius leant out of the shower again to grab his wand from his robes careful not to get any blood on the floor

Sirius whispered a healing spell as he poked the wounds with the tip of his wand and sighed as he watched them slowly knit together into scabs. Everyone was still in class so Sirius strolled to his trunk with nothing, but his towel wrapped loosely around his waist, something he wouldn’t usually do for the scars covering his body. Throwing a new set of clothes on, Sirius reluctantly made his way to class. 

Stepping into the History of magic class room everyone’s eyes were on him as whispers wove their way through the air.

-"It looks like he’s been punched."-

-"I heard he freaked out in the common room last night."-

-"No has seen them together since potions yesterday."-

-"I hear James yelling."-

-"I wonder where Lupin is."-

-"Is he limping?"-

Sirius did his best to pretend like he didn’t hear them as he crossed the room to his usual seat but a warning glare from James told him to keep walking to the back of the room. Dumping his bag on the floor, he slumped in his chair not even bothering to take his quill and parchment out of his bag. Sirius watched as James sat hunched over his desk angrily and Peter kept throwing concerned glances back to him but tried to avoid his eye.

Then the lesson ended and one by one everyone filtered out, Sirius following a little behind the rest. A cat stood in the hallway patiently like it was waiting for him because as soon as it set eyes on him it stood and slowly walked away. He didn’t need to be an animagus to understand it was telling him to follow. Eventually the cat stopped outside Dumbledore’s office where it shifted to become Professor McGonagall.

“Mr Black.” She greeted him in a serious tone, “I’m sure you are aware what this is about.”

“Yes.”

She regarded him with a sad, disappointed look as the door opened, and Sirius began to climb the stairs the Dumbledore’s office. He felt sick, this was it. He was going to expelled, sent home in disgrace with nothing to buffer his exposure to his parents. Knocking on the door, a voice called him to enter.  
Dumbledore sat behind his heavy oak desk, his fingers laced together in front of him. He gestured for Sirius to take a seat.

“I assume you know why you are here Mr Black.”

“Yes sir.”

“You are very lucky that no one involved last night was seriously injured and all should make a full recovery. But that still doesn’t excuse what you did and what the consequences could have been.” Dumbledore paused for a moment watching Sirius’ reaction, “You are lucky. In a normal situation, someone who put my students in that level of danger would have been expelled but expulsion would lead to the nature of Mr Lupins condition being put on record for the board of education which would be unfavourable. Instead you will be suspended for two weeks for property damage.”

“Thankyou sir.” Sirius let out a small breath of relief, no one was seriously hurt, and it was only two weeks. Two weeks trapped in the house with his angry parents, whatever punishment they dished out was what he deserved at this point.

“Pack a few things and I will have your teachers write up your assessments for the time you will be missing. Come back here after lunch.”

“Yes, thank you sir.” Sirius tried to stem the terror forcing its way up his throat as his head dropped.

“I know this isn’t ideal for you, but it is the best I can do.”

“I know, thank you.” Sirius didn’t bother to fake a smile as he left for his dormitory.

***

Sirius didn’t go to lunch as he was instructed, rather he shoved a few spare cloths into his rucksack and waited outside Dumbledore’s office until it was time. He was too nauseas at the idea of returning home, but he couldn’t bare sitting along in their dormitory for anyone to stumble across. Dumbledore opened his door and beckoned for Sirius to enter. He crossed to the fire place where Dumbledore threw a handful of floo powder. Giving Sirius a curt nod he stated the address.


	3. The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a heads up, this chapter has a lot of abuse and violence in and its all directed to out fave Sirius poor boy.

Sirius tumbled out of the fireplace into his living room floor sending jars of pain up his already bruised and battered body.

“You couldn’t even last a week.” 

He immediately recognized the voice of his mother and pushed his bangs out of his face in annoyance. Orion and Walburga Black towered above their son in bitter distaste. 

“What can I say mother, they can’t handle all of my incredible good looks. For the sake of the sanity of the women they had to send me back.” Sirius smirked challengingly. 

“I thought we told you to stay out of trouble you stupid boy.” Walburga hissed.

Sirius waved a dismissive hand but then dropped it to his side as he took one look at his father. While his mother was vindictive and cruel with her words; Sirius’ father was force of rage once angered and it seemed this time Sirius had managed to cross the line already.

Pressing his lips into a thin line, Orion drew his wand from his robe and pointed it at Sirius, a single word drawing from his lip, “Crucio.”

A red light spat from the end of his wand hitting Sirius in the chest. The pain was so intense, so consuming that he no longer knew where he was. White searing pain ripped through his flesh as his bones felt like they were peeling. Sirius clawed at his skin and writhed in a futile effort to stop the pain, but the display only made his fathers thin lipped smirk stretch. Vaguely Sirius could hear screaming, but it was only after Orion sheathed his wand that he realised that it was coming from him. Sirius panted, his whole body shaking as he lay stuck to the floor in fear. It was only a short time but it felt like the paid would never cease.

“What are you still laying there for? Get out of my sight.” Orion scowled as he looked down at his son.

Rolling onto his side, Sirius tried to push himself up to sitting but he couldn’t stop shaking and didn’t have the strength to push himself up. Black mist crept in at the corners of his vision as his consciousness waned.

“I said get out of my sight!” Orion roared but Sirius didn’t hear him as he lay there unmoving. Instead he turned to the house elves, “Take him to his room.”

***

It was dark when Sirius finally awoke and dashed to the bin in the corner of the room to throw up. Heaving as he crouched over the metal container, Sirius felt his stomach twist again with a deep nauseating pain that throbbed in his guts deep and warm like someone had their hand in there and was wringing his organs. When it waned, Sirius could move slightly and take a shallow breath of relief; when it returned it was all he could do to hold still and hold his breath until it had passed.

It was easy to avoid his parents after that. Sirius would stay in his room all day finishing off the assignments given to him and if he had a chance, he’d sneak down stairs at night to grab something to eat and drink and hide away again. It wasn’t ideal but he’d take hunger over his parents any day. 

The peace didn’t last. It was like there was a fire lit under Sirius, he was restless and crude and every time his parents caught his eye or made a comment, he found himself biting at it. Although his parents retaliated less the tension rose until it finally exploded. Sirius wasn’t sure what had kicked it all off, some derogatory comment about his friends most likely but he saw red and dared to throw a plate.

Sirius looked up at his father instantly regretting everything. He stumbled backwards as Orion took a step forward and grabbed Sirius by his throat cutting off the oxygen supply. Tears forming in his eyes, Sirius scrabbled at his throat desperately trying to loosen the older man’s grip and he dug his nails in terror and desperation until he started to draw a little blood.

Orion shoved his son back against the dining table making it stab painfully into his back. A hiss of breath escaped Sirius’ lips as he winced on the impact and he bared his teeth in a savage guttural growl. Looking down at his nail marked hand Orion scowled.

“What are you, a bloody dog?” 

Sirius could feel spittle his face as he was dropped, gasping for breath desperately as tried to scramble away. His fathers pointed dress shoe hit his stomach punching out the small amount of air he had managed to get into his lungs. Sirius wasn’t given any time to recover as fingers wove into his hair and dragged him up the stairs towards his bedroom.

“Let me go!” Sirius tried to scream but it came out like a horse whisper through his swollen throat.

He hit at his father, flailed and grabbed onto any surface that he could get his fingers around, anything to get away but a few stamps and doors being slammed on his hands soon deterred him. Eventually Sirius got hold of the bannister and toppled both of them resulting tow more sharp kicks to his chest and jaw.

“Stop.” Walburga stood on the stairs above them and pointed to where Sirius’ shirt had ridden up exposing the scars covering his torso, “What is that?”

Sirius yanked his shirt down ignoring the aches of pain that shot through his fingers, but his father had already seen enough to yank it up again. Orion took a look at the countless white ridges covering his son’s skin in shock for a moment before letting out a loud belting laugh of disbelief.

“Who did this to you?” Orion’s face was uncomfortably close to Sirius’ examining it carefully, “Oh… Oh I see, it was you.”

“He did it?” Walburga repeated, her eyes wide. It was strange to see a wave of motherly sadness to cross her face for a moment even though a second later it was replaced by malice, “Take him to his room.”

Orion grabbed Sirius and threw him roughly over his shoulder ignoring the way his son shouted and thrashed but made sure to hit him against the wall every time he got too rough. Then they got to the top of the house and Orion kicked the door open with such force that it smashed into the wall and bounced off it nearly hitting him in the face. 

Throwing Sirius roughly to the ground, Orion took a step back and glanced at his wife sharing a malicious grin. Kneeling in front of him, Walburga pulled out a long thin fish filleting knife from the folds of her dress.

“Since you love Muggles so much, we’ll hurt you like one. Oh, don’t look so scared boy, you do this to yourself anyway.” 

Widening his eyes in shock, Sirius flipped over and tried to crawl away, but his father grabbed him again and slammed his face into the bare wooden floorboards, holding him still for his wife. She sat on top of Sirius and traced the blade over his back gently before violently cutting the shirt from his body, not caring about the little lines of red she left behind. Walburga watched as her son’s ribcage raised and fell in fear and let out a shrill cackle. 

She dug the blade along Sirius’ bottom rib and watched with a dissatisfied smile as Sirius bit his lip to stop from crying out. Letting out a loud tsk, Walburga slashed and cut and stabbed over and over carving long lines of gore across her sons back he let out a little squeak of pain. 

Brushing the stray hairs from her face, Walburga straightened up abruptly, “Finally we get a noise.”

“You really are used to this.” Orion said with a dissatisfied smirk as he slammed Sirius’ face into the floor again.

Sirius spat blood from his mouth and let out a painful wheezing laugh, “I mean usually if I’m being straddled it’s by a hot girl and not my troll of a mother.”

Letting out a shriek of insult Walburga grabbed her son’s face and cut deep down his cheek, “See if anyone will love you now!”

Suddenly there was a loud crash from the fire place downstairs and Regulus’ voice called out a greeting. Orion and Walburga shared a look and Walburga stabbed the knife through Sirius’s arm and into the floorbords making him howl in pain. 

“Shutup.” Orion hissed.

“You stay here and don’t make a noise.” Walburga stood and brushed her dress down checking for noticeable blood stains.  
Sirius was vaguely aware of his mother’s weight lifting and his fathers ands leaving his body as he drifted into unconsciousness. He just lay listless as his blood began to soak into the floorboards around him.

***

Regulus seldom went home outside of the holidays, he couldn’t stand the way his parents looked down on everything they didn’t agree with and although he didn’t argue back like his older brother, he still found it intolerable. He didn’t dare argue back, he didn’t dare because he watched how Sirius got treated for it and every time he saw an argument rising he wanted so desperately for Sirius to shut up and deal with the fact that their parents were arseholes instead of getting the crap beat out of him. He had no idea how Sirius endured it, but it terrified Regulus into obedience or as far as his parents were concerned it did. 

On hearing that Sirius had got suspended, he knew that he’d have to find some good reason to sneak away to check on his older brother so here he was, turning up unannounced for Sunday dinner. As soon as he stepped, coughing, out of the fireplace in the drawing room he heard a loud thud and then the sound of his mother’s footsteps as she ran down to meet him.

“Regulus! My darling boy!” His mother screeched as she wrapped him into a tight hug, “What brings you home?”

“Well I was feeling a bit home sick and I wanted to eat your food instead of that rubbish they feed us at school.” That was a blatant lie, but his mother seemed delighted in it.

“I tell you every time, you boys keep coming home so skinny. That’s school has really gone to shot since that fool Dumbledore…” She carried on ranting for a few moments until his father came down the stairs behind her.

“What is he doing home?”

“They aren’t feeding them properly at that school…” The rant continued to Orion while he fixed Regulus a suspicious glare.

“Dinner will be served shortly so don’t bother changing.” He said slowly.

“Shall I grab Sirius? I’m sure he’s famished with all that extra work they’ve given him.” Regulus flashed a smile.

“No, he isn’t feeling well and has asked to not be disturbed.” Walburga said abruptly, “Let’s move to the dining room.

Regulus felt his heart sink but didn’t let his face reflect it as he followed his parenting into the dining room. His parents took their places on either side of the table centre of the long table while Regulus sat beside his mother. Food came and went, for some reason every meal had to have too many courses to know what to do with and the only way to get through them all was to pick and choose at each. And just like that the meal was over and his parents stood eagerly at the fireplace ready to wave him off. 

“I’m just going to grab some more clothes before I head back okay?” 

Regulus darted away up the stairs before his parents had time to reply and a wave of dread washed over him. All he could smell was that sticky sweet smell of blood. Oh crap, he thought, oh god.

***

Sirius ached like hell. His vision fluttered and nothing seemed to respond to his commands properly. All he could manage was loud wheezing breaths through his swollen throat and his thoughts seemed to blend into one another. He could feel the world tipping and reality falling away, tipping over the precipice into the dark hell that awaited him just out of eyeshot. There was nothing but that endless void and pain. Wincing, Sirius tried to open his eyes a little, but it was all too bright and overwhelming.

He heard his brothers voice from below him and tried to let out a shout for help, but it just came out as a wheezing breath. Suddenly Sirius realized just how dry his mouth was. But it didn’t matter, he couldn’t die in this house. He couldn’t stop here. Sirius tried to roll over out of the puddle of sick and blood that pooled around him, but it just sent shards of pain jolting through his whole body. He tried to fight it, but it was no use. Sirius blacked out again.

***

Regulus pushed open his brother’s door wincing as he saw his brother lying shirtless in a pool of his own blood. It was impossible to tell where the blood was coming from because he was absolutely covered with it. As he drew closer, he saw a knife poking out of his arm and felt his stomach turn. Dropping to his knees he just stared at his brother, he had no idea what to do first.

“Sirius, are you with me?” Remus whispered as he gently turned his brothers face, “Come on, come on.”

“Regulus?” Sirius opened a lazy eye, “How are you?”

“How am I? Sirius you bloody arsehole asking me how I am when you’re lying here half dead in a pool of blood.”

Regulus shook his head, with that knife in his arm there was no chance of getting him out of there. He pulled off his belt and stuffed it into his brother’s mouth making his raise his eyebrows suggestively.

“You have a horribly filthy mind.” He hissed as Sirius gave him a dirty look, “I’m going to pull the knife out the floor, but you need to be quiet. Okay…”

Wrapping his hands around the handle he closed his eyes and yanked with all his might prising the blade from the wooden floor. Sirius made a strange noise, half between a muffled yelp and a gurgle.

“Well that’s a bit if good news. By some miracle it didn’t sever your artery. That’s cool.” Regulus was rambling a little hysterically until Sirius placed a bloody hand on his.

“Thank you.”

Regulus looked at his brother with a pained look on his face. He watches as the wounds on his back opened and closed as he sat up. His heart plummeted as he saw the swollen shades of black and purple cutting across his skin that was almost hidden the blood that covered everything. He resisted the urge to cradle his brothers face and cry.

“Okay well don’t thank my yet, we gotta get you back to Hogwarts.”

“But I’m still suspended.” Sirius moaned in pain as Regulus helped him to his feet.

“I don’t think that really matters right now. I’m sending you straight to the hospital wing.” Regulus shook his head.

“What about you? They’ll be mad when they find out.”

“What about my badass brother who freed himself and happened to have some floo powder in his draw for such an occasion. I just got there in time to see the fire dude.” Regulus smirked at Sirius as he pushed his brother into the fireplace, “Hogwarts Infirmary.”

Green fire engulfed Sirius as he tumbled out onto the familiar floors of Hogwarts hospital wing. Vaguely he was aware of feet running towards him, but darkness had already consumed him.


	4. A Lake in Spring

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't actually sure where I was going with the second half of this chapter so a lot of it is filler to move us on to the next big even which I am so eager to share. And low and behold, I wrote something that isn't utterly depressing. YAY

Sirius awoke suddenly wincing at the sudden light. Letting out a loud sigh, he draped an arm over his face but felt bandages over his lumpy face.

“Are you’re finally awake.” Madame Pomfrey exclaimed happily, “You gave us all quite a scare mister.”

“Ah sorry madame.” Sirius tried to smile but his face hurt too much.

“Who did this to you Sirius?” She said, her voice on the edge of tears.

He turned away from her so he couldn’t see the guilt on his face, “I don’t remember. I was walking down the street and then I was here.”

Madame Pomfrey raised an eyebrow but didn’t say anything.

“Hey, I can’t help it that like 75% of the magical world hates my family.” Sirius shrugged, that wasn’t even a stretch. He was quite accustomed for getting shit from both sides at this point.

Madame didn’t look impressed or convinced but she didn’t comment either, “Professor McGonagall will be along later to talk to you. Shall I inform your friends of your return?”

“Nah, I want to keep the element of surprise for my big entrance.” 

“This isn’t a game Sirius, you nearly died.”

Sirius sighed and closed his eyes, “I know Madame Promfrey, I know.” 

There was a high chance if he ever went back home that they would kill him and even higher chance if he told anyone. Sirius sighed, that was a problem for another day. A wave of nausea washed over him as he tried to order his thoughts. Was Regulus okay? Did everyone still hate him? Just how long would he be kept here for? Whats going to happen next? It was all too much.

Sirius didn’t know how much time had passed because somehow, he had managed to fall asleep, but he guessed it was probably evening by the weird hue of the room. Professor McGonagall sat in a chair beside his bed engrossed in a book which didn’t have any writing on the cover. 

“Welcome back Mr Black.” She said calmly, “First things first. How are you feeling?”

“Oh me, never better.” Sirius said sarcastically.

“Oh, good because now I have to make way with the unpleasantries and ask some questions that may be difficult for you to answer.” She watched as Sirius rolled his eyes and sunk deeper in his bed. “Who did this to you?”

“I don’t remember.” He replied flatly.

“Was it your parents?”

“I already said I don’t remember. I’m in shock and I’m a victim of a serious trauma, it’s not that unusual for people to be unclear under stress.”

“You, Mr Black, have never been a victim.” McGonagall replied with a shrewd smile.

“Whatever.” Black crossed his arms.

“Sirius, you must understand the situation we are in as a provider of care we have a duty to ensure your wellbeing and if that involves a complicated family situation then that is a problem that we can work with you to sort out. With an incident like this we can hardly turn the other cheek. You had severe impact wounds, internal bleeding, severe lacerations to your back and arm and face. I’ve seen people fight dragons and come out better. Are you really going to let them get away with that?”

“I told you I don’t remember.”

McGonagall set her book down and fixed Sirius with a stern stare for a moment as if she was staring right into his soul, “If that’s what you want Mr Black then so be it. But do regret to inform you that you will be confined here for the remainder of your suspension and possibly longer. But rest easy, I have cleared my evening schedule to ensure that you will have a little company.”

“Oh great, you’re my baby sitter.” Sirius rolled his eyes, “Can you at least turn into a cat, so I don’t have to speak to you.”

“Am I really that bad company Mr Black.” McGonagall raised a jesting eyebrow.

Sirius could admit, over the years he had spent at Hogwarts he had always enjoyed the time he spent with McGonagall not that he’d let her know that. Though in her weird omnipotence, he guessed she knew that too.

“No Minnie I can’t say that you are.”

***

It was another week before Sirius was fully discharged. He was lucky, in the time McGonagall spent with him she taught him a glamour that could hide the long ugly scar that glared out from on his cheek and he could hide the remainder of the bruising with makeup. All he had to do was concentrate to keep up the deception. No problem.

Breakfast had already come and gone when Sirius had finally gotten away from Madame Pomfrey’s caring frets, so he deliberately dragged his feet was he walked towards his dorm. He couldn’t risk running into his friends face to face yet, he still had no idea where he stood with them and the uncertainty was eating away at him. Tugging on his shirt, Sirius felt the stiff material of a new shirt shift uncomfortably over the scars covering his back. This was the first time he had worn his uniform since the incident, and he was struggling to stand it. 

He was so close to the painted lady that served as the door to their dorm rooms when a chorus of familiar voices drifted from within. Ducking around the edge of another corridor, Sirius just made it into the shadows as his friends drifted past seemingly without a care in the world. It was painful to see the three of them joking and messing around like there was no one missing. 

Sirius slid to the floor to make himself even smaller as they walked past but Remus paused. He stood for a second his head tilted slightly like he was smelling the air and for a moment Sirius felt a wave of panic over come him. Could Remus smell him? Was he going to get seen? If Remus could smell him would he just keep walking when he figured out who it was? A shout from James a few paces in front and Remus jogged to catch up, but Sirius still caught the forlorn look that he threw over his shoulder.

Letting out a breath of relief, Sirius hauled himself up and faced the painted lady.

“Sirius! I’ so glad you are back!” She boomed a little too loudly for the echoy halls.

Flinching at the sound, Sirius politely hushed her, “I’m glad to be back.”

He wasn’t sure if that was a lie or not, sure it was great to be away from his family, but it wasn’t like he had a warm welcome waiting for him either. Pausing at the door, Sirius took a long breath as he placed his hand on the worn oak door. Everything was practically how it usually was. James books and clothes were strewn haphazardly while Peter and Remus’ stuff was all neatly put away. Except, Sirius spied, a jumper sitting on the corner of Remus’ bed. Sitting on the edge, Sirius tentatively hooked the edge of the cloth and pulled it slowly towards him until it was on his lap and he pulled it up slightly so he could inhale the familiar smells.

The door opened and Sirius jumped up throwing the jumper onto the floor by his bed as Peter walked in. He just fixed Sirius with a gaze of suspicion but didn’t say anything as he rummaged in his trunk for a moment and pulled out a textbook.

“Are you coming to lessons today?” He asked nonchalantly, without meeting his eye.

“Um, yeah… probably.” Sirius shuffled uncomfortably for a moment.

“I won’t tell Remus that I saw you sniffing his jumper like a creep.” 

Sirius fixed Peter with a look that could only be described as a rabbit in headlamps but as soon as he recovered from the shock, Peter was already gone. He let out a groan and flopped back onto his own bed and stared of a picture of them all from a few moths ago tacked to the roof of his bed and for a second he could tell himself that everything was perfectly fine, but he still couldn’t shift this nagging feeling under his skin that nothing would ever be the same again.

Sirius made a plan; he would go for a walk as Padfoot while all the other boys were getting ready for bed and then get up at the crack of dawn. It left him exhausted but somehow, Sirius felt it was better than dealing with James cold glares and passive aggressive comments that early. 

It worked surprisingly well; Sirius managed to have no meaningful interaction with anyone for the better part of the week until he ran into a familiar face as he hid in the library.

“Sirius in the Library? This must be a first.” Lilly leant on the desk with a cheeky smile.

“Haha,” Sirius said sarcastically, “I’ll have you know that I am actually an avid reader.”

“Whatever you say dude… What you reading?”

“Well officially it’s a book on alchemic symbolism but…” Sirius shook out the magazine that sat between the pages, “Secretly it’s a titty magazine!”

Lilly raised her eyebrow in disbelief as she tried to hold back a laugh and smacked Sirius lights on the arm, “You’re filthy you know that! Absolutely filthy!”

Shoving his bag off the seat beside him, Sirius let Lilly sit as she dragged over a heavy book about god know what, it was so old the title had worn off the front. They sat in silence for a moment flicking through their books.

“Hey can I ask you something?”

Sirius waved a hand for her to continue without looking up from his magazine.

“I haven’t seen you with the rest of your little crew recently. Whats up with that?”

Letting out a sigh, Sirius shrugged, “I fucked up Lilly, I’m a total arse.”

“You aren’t an arse Sirius, you’re just a reckless boy with too much going on. I had a cousin like you. He was always juggling too many things at once and sometimes he dropped things.”

“So, what happened to him?”

“Well… he died, HIV.”

“Oh.”

Lilly blushed, “Oh sorry, I didn’t mean to be so depressive!”

“Oh no, I think I get what you mean.”

Putting her hand over Sirius’ arm, she looked him in the eye and let out a sigh. There was so much sadness caught in Sirius’ stormy grey eyes.

“They will come around eventually, or I guess they never cared enough to fix things. But then that’s their fault.” Lilly gave Sirius a reassuring smile, “How about we meet up every now and again, It’s not good for you to sit alone all the time.”

“I’d really like that.”

And they did. Lilly always made sure whenever she had a free hour to seek out Sirius in the Library or down at the lake on a sunny day and thought they didn’t always have that much to talk about, it was still nice to have the company.

Just like that Sirius suddenly realized why James was so obsessed with this girl, and if James hadn’t already called dibs, he might have even gone for it. She was the kind of rare person you could say anything too and she would just tilt her head and come out with the right thing. It was so easy to talk to her, Sirius almost slipped up about the secrets he held so close to his chest and ended up making so many obvious hints and vague statements about how he was feeling. 

It wasn’t until one unusually warm February lunch time that he was finally a little truthful. They lay side by side by the lake edge, looking up at the blue cloudless sky when Lilly suddenly leapt up and threw off her robe.

“I generally have a bit more notice before girls strip and throw themselves at me.” Sirius slid Lilly a perverted smile which she smirked at.

“I want to swim.” She said as she kicked off her shoes, “Come with me.”

Sirius watched as she began to walk into the cold looking water.

“Come one Sirius, are you scared of a little water.”

“No way am I swimming in that lake. Its April!” 

Lilly pouted as she walked in deeper. She was almost up to her waist when Sirius dragged himself to his feet, dumped his robe and went to take his shirt off. His fingers brushed the top buttons and he remembered. There was no way he was going to scare Lilly like that, no matter how cool she was. Rolling his eyes, Sirius kicked off his shoes and rolled up his trousers, not like it was going to do much. Letting out a playful shout, Sirius ran through the water, trying to put aside the spikes of cold shooting through his body, and picked Lilly up. He waded out a little further before dumping her in the icy water, the momentum sending him tumbling into the lake as well.

Letting out a shriek, Lilly pushed her head out of the water and flicked her wet hair out of her face, “You bastard!”

She flicked a long plume of water at Sirius which he dodged with ease as he sent one back in retaliation

Lilly watched as Sirius hovering just below the surface of the lake, a steady stream of bubbles floating up from her nose. The water was so strangely clear, a mirror of the spotless sky, that she could see every aspect of Sirius’ slim frame. Had he always been that bony Lilly wondered to herself for a moment, it was so hard to tell under the uniform. She watched the strong line of his shoulders and the thin hands wrapped around his knee. 

Turning slightly with the gentle current, Sirius turned until he had his back to Lilly letting her see his naked back where the material had ridden up. For a second, she swore it was the distortion of the water but as she looked closer, she saw it was not trick. Thick pink and silver lines cut up Sirius’ pale skin like tree bark. She felt her breath catch in her throat as she reached out absently to place her fingertips on his skin. 

“Please don’t.” 

Lilly hadn’t even realised that Sirius had come back up for air. Dropping her hand back down to her side, she opened her mouth but found no words would come out. After a few moments of silence Lilly slid forward in the water like a siren and wrapped an arm around his shoulder, pressing their sodden bodies together in a hug. Sirius tensed in shock for a second but slowly relaxed into it, placing an awkward arm around Lilly as well. Lilly pulled away suddenly and pushed down on Sirius’ head, forcing him under water and swam away with a mischievous chuckle.

“Who’s the bastard now?” Sirius spluttered.

A little later they swam to shore, shivering as the wind cut through their sodden bodies. 

“Okay well this was a terrible idea.” Sirius shook his head as he shivered, “I think we missed next lesson as well.”

“Well I came prepared.” Lilly cast a drying spell on them both as the quickly threw back on their clothes and ran back to the school, desperately hoping they still had a few minutes before lunch ended.


	5. They Aren't All Arseholes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought this was going great but then I got bored so its only a short one. Like really short

Sirius spotted the familiar tussle of black hair bob down the corridor towards him. Regulus met his eyes with the cold unwavering look of a stranger as he moved closer, catching Sirius’ shoulder as they passed each other. They both knew it was too dangerous for both of them to talk in public, so they devised a little routine to communicate if they really needed to while keeping up the appearance of estranged brothers.

A few months after joining the school, Regulus was tasked with relaying all the follies of his older brother, and after he did a lacklustre job (and several punches later.) they had quickly found that there were eyes everywhere at Hogwarts. Just another perk of being a black, there was a huge extended family scattered throughout the school, Slytherin especially, and if it wasn’t one them it was their friends who relayed what they saw. 

Fishing in his blazer pocket for a moment, Sirius found a slip of paper that read: ‘can you give me a hand with my astronomy homework.’ With the planetary symbol for Saturn (♄), for a Wednesday that meant 10pm. A clever little code to give them a little more privacy.

***

When the time rolled around to 10, Sirius was still curled up in the corner of the library cradling some boring book he was only half reading. Glancing at his watch, Sirius let out a curse and grabbed his bag from the floor, leaving the book open on the table. 

Flying through the corridors, Sirius was thankful everyone was too preoccupied to question his speed. Sirius pushed open the door to the astronomy tower and was immediately engulfed in a tight hug by his brother. A sad smile found its way onto Sirius’ face.

“Come on now, I still gotta breath.” Sirius chuckled.

“You feel skinny,” Regulus frowned but shrugged his shoulders, “How are you?”

“Eh, you?” 

“Eh.”

“Cool.”

Wrapping a hand around Sirius’ wrist, Regulus lead the way over to a small stack of pillows and a pile of snacks. Sirius threw his brother a sly smile as he eyed the bottle of fire whisky nestled into the stash. He eased himself into one of the thicker pillows and poured a little into a cut glass and watched as the red liquid glittered like lava in the soft light.

They sat for hours chatting away like they hadn’t seen each other in months. In a strange way they hadn’t. Talking about nothing and then everything at the same time. It was surprising how well they actually got on away from the tensions of home. Though he was more subtle about it, Regulus had a more wicked sense of humour that even Sirius couldn’t match. It was a shame they were raised to hate each other because given slightly different circumstances they could have had the most wonderful relationship.

“How did our parents react to my daring escape?” Sirius asked, the bite of alcohol hitting his throat.

Regulus showed Sirius the back of his neck, shifting a tuft of hair out of the way to show a spidery scar dispreading into his hair line, “Mother threw a vase at me, but they were more busy ripping into each other. I really don’t envy you; they are going to kill you when we go back.”

“All fun things.” Sirius shrugged; he still had no idea what he was going to do next holiday, but he figured he’d cross that bridge when he got to it.

“Seriously Sirius, what are you going to do?”

“I’ll figure that out when it comes to it. Though now I don’t associate with any of the friends mother hated so much so there’s still hope.”

Regulus raised an eyebrow, “You hate not being around them, don’t you?”

“Well obviously, no one likes being alone.” 

Sirius shrugged and moved the conversation on, he didn’t want to waste the little time they had on sad things. Soon time had ticked on and it was the early hours of the morning but neither boy wanted to admit defeat and throw in the towel first and with the firewhisky it was getting harder and harder to keep their eyes open.

“Sirius,” Regulus yawned and waved a tired hand, “Do the thing.”

“The thing?”

“You know, the thing.” 

“Oh, you mean this thing?” 

Sirius raised an eyebrow as he shifted into a dog and leapt on his brother.

“You must show me how to do that one day.”

Regulus let out another yawn and rested his head on Padfoot’s soft fur and quickly fell asleep. As much as Sirius would tease his brother for it next time, he found it strangely sweet and let him sleep.


	6. Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I know this was already posted but I forgot and added a load more to the end of the chapter. So anyways sorry for taking so long and thanks for sticking with me this long lmao

To say James was stubborn was an understatement. He was the kind of person that when decided on something nothing could shift him and although this proved to be a valuable asset in a lot of areas it was also one of his biggest flaws. James was very aware of this though there was still nothing he could do; he was too stubborn to force himself to change.

It did hurt him to ignore Sirius, more than he could ever know and he found himself searching for a good reason to officially forgive him, but it was complicated. He hadn’t spoken to Remus about it, well he had tried but Remus refused to mention the event, so it was hard to know weather he had forgiven Sirius or not. Then on top of that, Sirius seemed to be caving in on himself. The sociable boisterous party boy was gone replaced with a moody recluse who refused to meet anyone’s eye and flinched at the lightest touch or noise. 

James knew that Sirius had been suspended for a while and he could imagine his parent’s reaction to that wouldn’t have been good. They could always tell how bad by Sirius’ grump for the weeks following but this time James had no idea. He hadn’t been there to pick up the pieces or to comfort his friend when he needed it and that really cut him deep.

He was stuck between a rock and a hard place, so he did nothing. The blazing fury from Sirius’ screw up had disappeared almost entirely replaced with a desire to care for the boy. But similarly, Sirius seemed to have given up. He no longer even tried to make them forgive him, not that James blamed him.

“James!” Remus raised his voice as he smacked James on the shoulder.

“What?” James protested as he snapped back into this reality.

“You were spacing out again dude.”

James stood up from the side of his bed and walked into the bathroom without a word. Sharing a look, Peter and Remus did rock, paper scissors to see who was going to deal with that. Sirius’ absence made the two boys realise how much James and Sirius confided and relied on each other and neither were sure how to deal with James when he got in a mood. Peter lost and went to follow James into the bathroom.

“Whats up?” Peter asked as he came to sit on the sink behind James who stood at the sink.

James just shrugged and stared at the trickling tap.

Rolling his eyes, Peter nudged the other boy with his foot, “Come on Prongs, you were staring at Sirius’ bed. You miss him?”

James snapped around with a snarl, “Of course I bloody miss him, that bloody tosser!”, James paused, “Sorry, that wasn’t aimed at you.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“It’s just I have no idea how to get him back. Rocking up to him and saying we forgive you doesn’t seem to cut it anymore. We live in the same dorm and none of us have seen him up close for days. And on top of that, Lilly is pissed off at me about it too.” 

“Maybe it is too late…” Peter crossed his arms sadly.

“Shuddup, we will fix this.” James pushed Peter making fall back into the bath, “Let’s get some chow.”

They caught up with Remus and headed down to the main hall for breakfast. A few meters in front of them, James spotted Sirius’ black hair as he walked with his head down, shoulders shrunken. James stole a glance at Remus who seemed totally unaware as he looked down at the book in his hand. As they rounded the corner, James noticed a man lurking in the shadows of the corner.

Stepping out, the man loomed over Sirius scanning the boy for a moment. James put a hand out to stop Remus and Peter. There was something very wrong with that man and as they turned out he wasn’t the only one who noticed. Remus rounded his shoulder, trying to suppress a snarl while Peter cowered behind him.

They watched as the man put a heavy hand on Sirius’ shoulder making the boy flinch then set his eyes on their group. 

“Boys, a moment.” His voice was gravely, and it sounded like he had a soar throat but on closer inspection James noticed a ridged scar running along his neck and disappearing below his high collar.

“Who are you?” James cocked an eyebrow; he knew all the staff at Hogwarts, and he was in no mood to entertain some stranger with no authority.

The man grabbed James by the wrist and shoved him against the wall, “Show me some respect boy!”

“Who the hell are you!” James practically screamed at this point, trying to tug his arm away from the man.”

“What do you think you are doing to my student!” McGonagall roared making everyone jump in shock.

The man jumped away from James and dropped his hands in surprise.

“I suggest you move on or we will have to bar you from the grounds for disrupting the peace and the students sound of mind. This is still a school.”

“Bar me and I swear I’ll be back with the whole department behind me.”

And with that the man spun on his heel and stalked back down the corridor.

***

Sirius relaxed his grip on his wand and stepped out of the shadows of the corner. There was something deeply wrong, he recognised the logo of the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures on the inside of the man’s coat. Sirius has a gut wrenching feeling that Snape had snitched and they were coming for Remus.

Sirius snuck along to Dumbledore’s office when he heard raised voiced coming from inside. No matter the official status of their friendship, Sirius still cared deeply for Remus and he would be damned if he’d let him get hurt because of him. He muttered a spell that would let him listen through a little better.

“The full moon is coming up in a few days and we can’t have this hunter on the ground of the school! You know how dangerous that could be?”

“I know Minerva but by baring this man from the school grounds we will arouse more suspicion and may end up having the entire Werewolf Capture Unit sniffing around here and making everything worse for him.” Dumbledore said, his voice trying to sound reassuring, but nothing could mask the worry in it.

“So, what shall we do instead?” McGonagall asked softly.

“Bring me James Potter.”

Sirius felt a stab of guilt and betrayal shoot through him as he stepped away from Dumbledore’s office. He wasn’t surprised he wasn’t going to be involved, he hadn’t last full moon, but this seemed a lot more important than personal grudges. They all knew Padfoot got on best with the wolf and he found it the easiest to play and keep him occupied, where as James often got a little impatient and more often than not ended up getting hurt. 

Sirius scoffed to himself as he pried this nails out of his palm, he hadn’t realised he had tightened it that much. It was probably best to leave before James or McGonagall saw him lurking.

A few moments later a sheepish looking Potter shuffled into Dumbledore’s office trailing behind McGonagall.

“Mr Potter.” The headmaster nodded to the boy, “Take a seat.”

Glancing between McGonagall and Dumbledore, James slid into the chair.

“I need to know that we have your trust Potter for what I have to discuss with you is very sensitive information.”

James didn’t waste any time, “Of course Sir, you can trust me with anything!”

“I’m not sure if you have noticed the man investigating the school grounds.”

“Yeah, he’s a real tosser-” James clamped a hand over his mouth as he remembered who he was talking to, “I mean, he was really rude to us.”

Dumbledore raised an amused eyebrow for a second before steeling his face, “That man is a werewolf hunter.”

“Shit! What, why is he here?”

“After the incident involving Mr Snape, there was a stir in interest from the werewolf capture unit, so they sent someone to investigate.”

“Bastard Black.” James muttered angrily as he wove his fingers together in thought.

“Don’t blame your friend James, we have been expecting this for a while and frankly I was surprised it took this long. I guess that is down to you and your friends.”

James spluttered, “I’m not sure what you mean sir.”

“I appreciate the support you give Mr Lupin regarding his condition; it is a real testament to each of you the lengths you are willing to go for each other.”

Dumbledore gave James a strange knowing look that he only partly understood, “Thank you sir. Do you have any wisdom for us sir?”

“I heard that the forbidden forest is particularly beautiful during a full moon, though I wouldn’t venture in there as a human.”

“That’s a shame sir, I’d love to see it.” James nodded; he knew exactly what he needed to do.

****

There was a heavy feeling I the air, the kind of unsettling calm that settles over the land right before a storm hits and James just couldn’t shake the feeling on unease that washed over him. One of the perks of being an animagius is that he had inherited the super deer senses that always kept him one step ahead. 

He tried to shake off the feeling as best he could so to keep his focus on the restless werewolf scratching away at the back of a tree. With out Padfoot here to play with the unruly wolf, it was becoming a nightmare to keep the beast entertained and content. As a deer he was just a little too awkward to play rough and his antlers kept getting tangled in the thick underbrush. 

The wolf began to move again but James felt himself freeze as a tiny movement in the gloom caught his eye. It was impossible to tell, with the wind and all the creatures that resided in the forest, what exactly this movement was but James couldn’t shift the sick feeling of dread in his stomach.

A sad sounding howl filled the air as the wolf arched his back and called to the moon, snapping Jams out of his frozen state. Galloping to catch up, James rounded in front of the wolf to steer him away from the edge of the forest when the wind changed. That smell, it smelt of human and of wolf and of death. James called out to Peter to help him try to steer the wold back further into the forest, but his voice was snatched away by the wind. 

A silver bolt from a crossbow thudded into the tree just above the wolfs head. James reared up at the hunter but the man was too quick and rolled under his hooves managing to shoot a net out, trapping the fleeing wolf.

The hunter put his foot on the wolf as he lined up the tip of his crossbow with his head, the silver blade of the bolt glinting venomously in the pale moonlight. Suddenly a black dog sprang out of nowhere and ripped the crossbow out of the hunter’s hands. Springing back in shock, the hunter cradled his bleeding hand to his chest while with his other drew a long silver knife. 

“What the bloody hell are you then?” He studied the black dog for a moment as they circled one another, “Not a wolf, but not a normal dog either… too big to be normal…”

Letting out a fierce growl, Sirius leapt towards the hunter and dived under the flash of knife and it teared down into his shoulder. There was a bite of pain, but he could hardly feel it, all he could focus on were Moony’s whines of pain as he lay trapped under a silver laced net. He sunk his teeth into the hunter’s ankle and dragged his foot out from under him making the man fall onto his back. 

Sirius dragged the man back through the forest away from the wolf giving James just enough time to use his antlers to hook the net away from the whimpering wolf. The hunter scrabbled around him searching for something that could get out from the barrage of teeth and claws until he felt his hand close around the butt of his cross bow. He smacked the butt of the bow into the side of the dog’s head buying the few precious seconds to scrabble away and get the distance to send the bolt thudding into the dog’s pelt. 

Letting out a roar of anger Prongs charged at the hunter, sinking his antler into the man’s leg and flinging him further into the forest.

Moony nuzzled Padfoot prompting him to get up but he was too weak to stand. In the moonlight the glistening red blood staining his side almost glittered in the moonlight as it matted his black fur.

James didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t turn back to human with the wolf and there was no way they could carry Padfoot as a deer and Moon didn’t seen to be budging from Padfoot’s side. Gently, Prongs tried to guide Moony away from their friend, but his hackles raised, and he let out a warning growl, Something James never had directed at him before. He watched as Moony curled his larger body around Padfoot and began to lick at his wounds. 

Letting out a snort of annoyance, he realised there was only one thing he could do. He had no idea where Peter had scampered off too and he was the only one in a fit state to get back to the castle for help. They didn’t really have another choice.

***

James burst into Dumbledore office and for a second, he was surprised to see the older man still awake but had more important things to do.

“The hunter found Moony! I mean Remus, but Sirius got in the way and got hurt and now Moony won’t me near him and I can’t- Sirius got hurt bad.”

“It’s okay James, you did the right thing by coming to get me. I will get Mr Ogg to deal with Mr Ludis. And for your friends… Oh look the sun is going to rise soon. That should help with our other problem.” Dumbledore placed a hand on Peters shoulder, “Go to the hospital wing to get checked over and try to get a little sleep.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always thought it would be odd if Dumbledore and McGonagall didnt have a little clue about the whole Animagus thing. What a lad *wink wink nudge nidge*


	7. A Bit of Resolution

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that ladies and gentlemen is that arch wrapped up. But don't fret there is still much more angst and feels to come!!

James was jolted out of his light slumber by a loud groan and bolted upright to see a Sirius shaped shadow behind a screen on the other side of the room. Swinging his legs over the edge of his bed he limped around to the other side to see Sirius pull a shirt over his shoulders. He could see the patches of blood where it had started to leak through the bandages under the thin white material of his shirt. 

Flinching, Sirius pulled his shirt closed, “Shit Prongs are you trying to give a heart attack?”

He smiled up at James for a second before his mind caught up with what he was saying, and his smile faltered. Pressing his lips together, James felt a pang of sadness, maybe it was time for all of them to move of and forgive.

“That was a really brave thing you did.” James sat down on the end of the bed and look sincerely at his friend, “I mean with how its been… how I’ve been I wouldn’t have expected you to even be out let alone fight off a bloody hunter.”

“I-”

James cut Sirius off, “No let me finish. You might be a prat but your hearts in the right place.”

Letting out a breath, James looked up to where Sirius sat, eyes wide and shiny with unwept tears. James put his arm out to pat Sirius on the shoulder, but Sirius pulled his arm and wrapped the other boy in a tight hug.

“I am so sorry James.” He sniffed into James shoulder.

“I know Pads, I know.”

After a few awkward moments of embrace, Sirius pulled away.

“Do you think Remus might talk to me now?” he asked quietly.

“Why don’t you ask me yourself?” A weak voice came from the other side of the room.

James watched as Sirius’ face lit up in joy and terror at the same time. Patting his friend on the shoulder he gave him a reassuring smile.

“Go on mate.”

Easing himself up from the side of his bed Sirius limped towards Remus’ bed and pulled aside the curtain. He felt his chest tighten and it was all he could do to stay up right as he moved a chair across closer to the bed. Only when he sat, did he allow himself to look Remus in the eye.

There was a weird silvery rash that ran across his face, fallout from being kept under the silver net and a little bruising but apart from that Remus looked relatively unharmed.

“How are you feeling?” Sirius asked carefully.

“A bit sore and tired but apart from that…” Remus stared at Sirius with an intense gaze for a moment making Sirius squirm a little, “You got shot for me.”

“And stabbed." Sirius joked but the nervous laughter died in his throat as Remus stared at him, expression unreadable. "The hunter....Its fine though! It was my fault anyway so it’s the least I could do.”

Sirius floundered for a moment, but Remus put his hand on Sirius’ knee and gave him a gentle smile.

“Thank you Padfoot.” 

"Any time Moony." Sirius didnt even try to quell the joyful smile that tugged at his mouth and Remus was glad of it. He hadn't seen Sirius smile in weeks.

***

Dumbledore let out a loud sigh of frustration, “I know for a fact that there are Wolves living in the forest, it is very likely that one of these animals may have got separated from the pack and spooked Mr Snape.”

This was the third meeting this week about the alleged werewolf problem, and it was getting harder and harder to stay calm with all the nosy reporters picking apart each word and the board of whatever department that had visited.

“Isn’t it your duty to keep these children safe? How can you do that if there are packs of Wolves running around hurting people.”

“The area is strictly off limits without the presence of our game keeper Mr Ogg or his apprentice Mr Hagrid who are excellent at managing the coexistence of many of the animals that live there. But you must remember, Mr Snape broke curfew, which was instated to keep the children safe and accounted for.” Dumbledore didn’t even bother to look up from his notes.

“And yet you still have highly dangerous environments within walking distance of the school grounds.”

“Is it true that a member of Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures investigated this incident and ended up being seriously injured as well!”

“Well, it’s called the forbidden forest for a reason,” Dumbledore raised an eyebrow, “It s well known among the faculty and the student body that what happens in that forest is the responsibility of those who enter it and the fact that Mr Ludis entered that area against my best warnings is not the responsibility of mine or the school. There are all kinds of dangerous creatures in there which cause harm to a person especially if they are as unprepared as he was. Frankly I believe that it is a tarnish on the reputation of the Department for letting such an incompetent and intrusive man to investigate such a serious allegation.”

The reporters went silent for a moment as the other member of the meeting looked at each other. That was good enough for them. Case closed.


	8. Sweet Summertime

Those were the best few weeks of his life. Sirius never expected to miss the company of his friends so much and it was only when he was with them again, he realised how much he loved them all. All those inside jokes with James and Remus and how much it amused him to watch Peter fall over himself to try to keep up.

But just as any good thing that too was over as the end of term rolled along again. Standing on the train station the boys shuffled along dragging their bags and cases behind them, all reluctant to leave just when things had finally gotten back to normal. 

As such no one saw to mention that Sirius only had a tatty rucksack tossed over his shoulder. Emus had mentioned it while they packed but Sirius just passed it off as having more stuff at home. He strategically left out the part where his parents may ruin anything of value to him in a rage.

“Sirius…” James held his hand out to stop the other boy, “Are you going to be alright?”

Plastering on a fake smile, Sirius nodded, “why wouldn’t I be.”

“I know we weren’t talking but I heard that you were kept in the medical wing for most of your expulsion. Look if you need anywhere to crash my house is always open okay. No questions asked.”

Sirius looked at the ground.

“Okay?” James pressed.

“Fine!” Sirius rolled his eyes, “Quit nagging me.”

James pulled Sirius into hug, “Alright, love you mate.”

“That’s sounds gay.” Sirius muttered earning a little slap from James, “Love you too.”

Sirius patted his friend on the back as James caught the eye of his parents who waving happily at the other end of the platform and fought his way through the throngs of happy students and parents to get to them. Soon the crowds died down as the kids were whisked away home until there were a splattering of people left on the platform.

“Yours are late too huh?” Remus stood a little awkwardly against the pillar behind Sirius.

“Yeah… I’m not surprised though.” Sirius shrugged.

Remus felt a pain in his chest as he watched his friend shuffle in place like he knew they weren’t coming but before he could comment his mother and father came running across the platform and swept him up in a deep hug.

Standing off to the side a little awkwardly, Sirius watched the reunion with a pang of jealously and irritation, but he quelled it quickly. It wasn’t anyone’s fault but his own family and most of the time he could ignore the feelings, but it was only natural he supposed.

Turning from the hug, Mr Lupin noticed Sirius for the first time, “You must be Sirius.” He said and extended a hand, “I heard how you protected my boy from the investigator and for that you have our eternal gratitude.”

Sirius took the hand, but Mr Lupin pulled him into a hug along with his wife and son.

“Thank you, sir, but it was the least I could do when it was my fau-” Sirius was cut off by a hand over his mouth.

“Sirius needs a ride home.” Remus interrupted smoothly.

“Of course, anything for a friend of Remus.” Mrs Lupin cooed.

Together they left the station and Mr Lupin jogged to retrieve their car from the carpark. It was small, barely big enough to fit Remus’ trunk in the boot and his was by no means large. Remus and Sirius squeezed in the back with a pile of bags between them.

“You alright Sirius?” Remus asked quietly, “You’re being quiet”

“Yeah, just didn’t leave on the best terms last time.” Sirius replied without turning from where he stared out of the window.

“I guess my parents wouldn’t be too pleased if I had got suspended either.” Remus shrugged, “But you more than made up for it. Though maybe don’t tell them how.”

Sirius let out a small chuckle, “Yeah I’m sure they’d be thrilled to know I turned into a dog and heroically fought off a werewolf hunter from my fury friend.”

“I think even I would have a hard time explaining that as well.”

The rest of the journey passed comfortably with polite conversation, but Sirius couldn’t shift the feeling of unease as they got closer to his house. He kept catching Remus shoot him careful looks like he knew something was wrong but didn’t pry. Sirius was thankful for that.

“Just here please.” Sirius pointed to the street corner a block away from his hoouse.

“We can drive you to the door Sirius,” Mrs Lupin said as they slowed, “Which one are you?”

“No!” Sirius blurted but quickly calmed himself.

He could only imagine his parents’ outrage if they saw him with Remus’ family and Sirius wasn’t sure if he could stop himself biting at the comments they could make. So, he plastered a huge thankful grin onto his face.

“Thank you so much but its not far. Have a great break Remus.” Sirius leapt out of the car before anyone could protest dragging his rucksack with him.

Waiting until the car had left, Sirius lingered at the door his hand centimetres from knocking. Before he got the chance, Regulus opened the door with a stressed look on his face.

“You should really think about not antagonising them this time. I don’t want to have to do that again.” He hissed afraid of being overheard.

Sirius put a hand on his brother’s shoulder, “Don’t worry about me. I can handle anything they throw at me.”

If only that were really true. The screeching sound of Walburgers voice echoed through the house making Regulus and Sirius flinch.

“You came back.” Orion suddenly stood behind Regulus looming over the boys in a chilling fashion.

“Yes sir.” Sirius looked at his boots, “It’s break.”

“Do you think that I do not know that boy?” Orion boomed his eyebrows drawn in disappointment.

“No sir… I…” Sirius pressed his lips together knowing that anything that he could possibly say would end in him getting a smack at best, “I’m sorry.”

“So, you’ve learned some respect.” Walburga wrapped a thin arm around her husband’s shoulder with a strange smile, “Interesting.”

She stepped aside to let Sirius pass through to the stairs but just when he thought he was safe Walburga called out to stop him, “Don’t forget boys. Cygnus and Druella will be visiting tomorrow with their daughters so don’t embarrass us again.”

“Yes mother.” Regulus said as he shot past his brother on the stairs and disappeared into his room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> strap in folks for another round of angst!!


	9. Black Apples Don't Fall Far From the Black Tree

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a little warning, a family member gets a little too touchy with our boy but its nothing too graphic so just heads up :)

Sirius tugged at the tie around his throat. No matter now loose it was or how many times he had retied it he just couldn’t get it to sit right and it kept feeling like a noose around his throat. Letting out a heavy sigh, Sirius tossed it onto his bed and fiddled with the collar of his shirt. Tieless was in, he was sure of it or that’s was Sirius told himself.

Taking in his outfit in the mirror, Sirius let out a sigh. Black shirt with black trousers and a long black jacket if he could be bothered all in the traditional ugly wizarding style that he loathed. He kicked his dress shoes further under his bed and pulled on his black dm boots instead. Sirius remembered the day he had got them fondly, they had pestered Lilly into showing them Muggle London and he fell in love with the boots first time he saw them. He didn’t have any money though so with a pang of guilt he had summoned them later on.

There was a knock on the door and Kreacher stepped in after a few seconds.

“Hey, you pervy elf, I could have been naked.” Sirius crossed his arms in annoyance, he hated to be cruel, but the house elf just brought it out in him, “What do you want?”

“Mistress requires your presence.” Kreacher muttered before wandering out of the room.

Sirius rolled his eyes and crossed the room to his mirror so he could combe out some of the tangles in his long hair. It wasn’t often that he would actually look in the mirror like this because to often he found himself getting lost in the sadness of his own eyes and ever since his mother had carved a line onto his cheek he had avoided it even more even with the glamour.

Letting it drop for a moment, Sirius traces the sensitive pink line with his finger feeling the slight raise of the scar tissue. No use in thinking at all, Sirius thought to himself sternly willing himself to have the strength to get through this dinner. One step at a time. Calling the glamour back up, Sirius began to make his way to the drawing room.

“Oh, Sirius darling, how are you.” It was a statement not a question as his Aunt Druella Black did that weird fake kiss on the cheek that most of the women in his family did.

“Good, how are you and Cygnus?” Sirius asked politely.

Cygnus didn’t even look up from the newspaper he read as Druella let her finger linger Sirius’ jawline a little too long.

“What a pretty boy.” She whispered into his neck making shivers of disgust go down Sirius’ spine.

“So,” Orion interrupted, “You were telling me about how your daughters were getting on at Hogwarts.”

“Ah yes.” Druella smoothed her dress as she took her seat next to her husband, “Well both of my daughters excelling in all their classes naturally.”

“How is Andromeda?” Sirius asked, he knew that she was loving life after being disowned and married to Tonks, but he couldn’t help but rub a little salt in the wound.

Orion scowled as his son, but it was Cygnus who answered, “She isn’t part of this family anymore. Not after marrying that filthy mudblood.”

“Sorry sir.” Sirius bowed his head with a small grin.

Walburga rang a little bell, “The food will be ready in a moment, shall we move to the dining room.”

Druella sat next to Sirius at the table making Sirius groan inwardly. He never noticed it when he was younger but as he grew, she seemed to have a weird thing for him. It repulsed him. 

Soon enough the first course was brought out on the best china. It looked like a jelly but had a salad in it. Sirius just pushed it around his plate while his mother explained its appeal. Sirius always thought if you had to explain it, it wasn’t worth the time.

Gently but surely Sirius felt a finger on his knee tracing delicate circles against the bone. Raising an eyebrow, he looked at Druella as she made polite conversation across the table to his mother. He tried to shift his knee away, but she held on tight and dragged it closer to her instead. Now Druella circled the inside of his knee moving slowly upwards. 

Sirius swallowed as he tried to ignore it and eat his food. He knew if anyone saw or if he told he would be blamed anyway so it was better to grin a bare it for now. Druella’s fingers were halfway up his thigh now and as much as he hated it Sirius felt a warmth pool in his stomach. He coughed and reached across the table for some more wine catching Bellatrix’s eye as he did so. 

She followed he mother’s arm to where it disappeared suspiciously close to her cousin’s leg. Leaning back slightly Bellatrix narrowed her eyes as she caught Druella’s pale hand way to far up Sirius’ leg to be platonic.

Sirius let out a small gasp as Druella brushed the end of his penis and stood up abruptly. Looking at the startled faces around him, Sirius felt his face turn red and he cast his eyes down.

“Sorry please excuse me.” He said shamefully.

Sirius fought to quell the nausea from rising in his throat. He knew Druella to be touchy but that was too far, way too far especially in front of everyone. Even though she was still sitting at the table innocently he still felt as if her hands were smothering him.

Lost in thought, Sirius didn’t notice Bellatrix as she followed him out of the room and overtook him blocking his escape to the stairs.

“Where do you think you are going?” She said with a snide snapping Sirius out of his head.

“Upstairs.” Sirius scowled; he didn’t have time for this.

A cruel smile carved its way onto Bellatrix’s face as she backed her cousin against the wall.

“I saw what you and my mother were doing under the table. You’re a whore.” Bellatrix chided.

“Your mother is the one who can’t keep her hands off me. Like I’d even want that from that hag.” Sirius knew this would happen and tried to keep the wobble out of his voice.

Bellatrix’s mocking smile turned into something more sinister as she began to stalk towards Sirius. He couldn’t go anywhere; his back was against the wall as she wrapped her fingers through his hair and dragged him to the floor. Letting out a yelp of pain, Sirius felt his face crush into the cool stone flooring as Bellatrix sat on his chest. Wrapping her fingers around his throat she began squeeze, licking her lips sensually like she was getting a little too much enjoyment from choking the boy.

Black spots danced across his vision as Sirius felt panic writhe through him but no matter how he trashed or writhed he couldn’t shift the girl. Without warning the large mirror shattered outwards sending shards flying everywhere.

Suddenly, Sirius felt the pressure release from his throat, and he rolled onto his side with a hacking cough that felt like agony though his swollen throat. Glass littered the floor speckled with glowing crimson blood. Beads of red prickled his hands but looking over to his cousin he realised it wasn’t from him. Her face was covered in shallow cuts from the glass and there was a slightly larger piece sticking out of her arm. 

Bellatrix rolled up to sitting and looked down at herself and felt the blood running down her face and let out a feral screech. Wasting no time, Cygnus and Druella as well as his own parents came running

Orion pulled at Sirius’ collar and regarded the purple bruising that was coming up around his neck coldly. It was two clear hand marks. Letting out a scoff, Orion dragged his son up and pointed him in front of Cygnus who stood red faced and ranting,

“Be quiet.” Orion commanded and pulled down Sirius’ collar so everyone could see clearly, “Look at his throat.”

“What is that?” Druella

“He was strangled by your daughter.” He said darkly.

“But Bella would never… perhaps he-” Cygnus tried to interject but Orion cut him off with a dark glare.

“Do you dare suggest that my heir, the heir to the black family name would possibly lie about such a serious manner.” Orion boomed with rage which make his hair lift about his head.

“Not at all Orion, please forgive my husbands crudeness,” Druella placed a soothing hand on Orion’s shoulder, “Our Bella can be a little overzealous when she gets excited.”

Walburga nodded, “My son is very proficient in nonverbal magic, perhaps a game had gotten out of hand and it was a reflex.”

Cygnus looked at Orion and nodded, seemingly satisfied with the conclusion they had drawn without consulting either child.

“Though we will still scold Sirius.” Walburga added.

“As will we with Bella.” Cygnus nodded to his sister.

With that the conversation ended and they all went back to the drawing room for dessert. Sirius couldn’t stomach it though, so he found a book and sat in the furthest corner trying to still his spinning mind. The last thing he need was to freak out in front of them.

But eventually the visit drew to an end Sirius watched from the bottom of the stairs as his parents and brother waved off their guests nervously, he couldn’t imagine anything good would come from his behaviour. The door closed and Orion told Regulus to go to his room leaving Sirius alone with his parents.

“I told you not to embarrass up Sirius.” Walburga said in a quiet rage.

Not taking his eyes from his boots, Sirius muttered an apology, “I was trying mother.”

“Yes, you were trying my patience. You are lucky I could reach an understanding with my brother.” Walburga let out a loud sigh, “As punishment you will spend the remainder of your time here in the attic.”

Sirius groaned, he hated the attic and the filth it contained but it was better than getting a beating at least and he had stashed a few books up there last time so he wouldn’t get bored. 

“Yes, thank you mother.” Sirius muttered as he trudged to the top of the house.


	10. A Just Punishment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It gets a little graphic and messed up in this chapter so just a little heads up, but thats why we are all here right.

The attic was a horrible filthy place, covered in cobwebs and dust as thick as the soles of his boots. Sirius always thought it was a fitting metaphor for his family; pristine and elegant on the outside but dirty and impoverished where it could be hidden from sight.

Kicking away some of the filth, Sirius sat in his little island and pulled out his book. It was some tacky romance novel that Lilly had been trying to get him to read and as much as he hated the clichés, he just couldn’t stop reading them. It’s not like he had anything better to do anyway.

Once Sirius had taken to exploring some of the crap stored in the attic but had soon regretted it when he found pictures of a woman tied to a frame with his mother in the background holding a whip. Shudders went down his spine at the memory, but it was weirdly expected, Sirius’ parents were sadists and perverts.

A few hours later Orion opened the door to the attic and stepped into the room followed by his wife with a sinister smile. Sirius felt a pang of fear through his chest as he leant further into the darkness hoping that somehow, they wouldn’t see him. They did, of course they did. Walburga cast a spell that let a small ball of light hang from the ceiling.

“You seem to only learn through pain.” Walburga said with a sneer, “You’ll thank us for this one day.”

“Somehow I doubt that.” Sirius scowled to hide the fear snaking its way up his body.

Orion grabbed Sirius by the wrist so he couldn’t get away as his wife pulled a dusty sheet from the same frame Sirius had seen in the photo and he felt his stomach drop. He tried to pull away from his father, but he couldn’t wriggle out of his grip. Orion stomped on Sirius’ chest with a sickening crack to make him stop struggling.

Pulling the frame into the centre of the floor, Walburga grabbed Sirius’ other hand and strapped it down with leather cuff while Orion copied with the other. His legs were tied next and Sirius let out a cry as his shirt was cut off exposing his back and his mother stuffed a piece of leather into his mouth

Behind him he heard the clink of a belt buckle and a bolt of panic went through Sirius, no that, he wouldn’t. The belt cracked like a whip across Sirius’ back and for a moment he was thankful it wasn’t what he thought it was, but then the pain washed over him. It was agonising, every strike cut through his skin leaving horrifying welts in its place. Sirius felt tears run down his face as he bit into the leather hard. 

Then it stopped, “You will be good and hold up the family values.” His mother said in his ear expecting to head it back.

Sirius spat out the leather and fixed his mother a look of pure contempt, “Sincerely, I hope you rot in hell. I hope you all choke on your values and have your insides pulled out through your mouth.”

Walburga let out a loud sigh and stuffed the leather back in his mouth, “Do ten more. Use the whip this time.”

Sirius heard the belt fall to the floor and watched as Orion walked in front of the frame so that he could see the long whip and the glints of something metal woven into it. Orion didn’t have a grin on his face exactly, it was more like expectant glare as he licked his lips slightly. 

The whip cracked across Sirius’ back making him scream in pain as it tore at his skin and blood was drawn. Sirius only managed three more before he passed out.

“Get a bucket of water.” Walburga ordered her husband.

A few minutes late, Sirius was dragged back to the land of the conscious as a bucket of freezing water was dumped over his head. Orion knelt before his son with a disappointed frown.

“I took ten when my father taught me obedience.” He said quietly, “Though I was younger than you are. It’s our fault really, we let you get soft, so we will be soft too. You should thank us really.”

Sirius cried in pain, disbelief and anger, “What is wrong with you people?”

“What is wrong with you!” Walburga shouted, “Why can’t you just be like the rest of us and we wouldn’t have to do any of this. We haven’t done any of this to your brother.”

It was so tempting for Sirius to rub it in his parents faces that although regulus acts like their obedient slave he was actually more like Sirius than anyone could know. Though he couldn’t do that to his brother. He couldn’t let him go through all of this. It was becoming increasingly hilarious how ridiculous his life was and Sirius could help the bubble of laughter that erupted from him. His parents surprised, almost freaked out look only made it funnier.

“Do you want to hear something funny?” Sirius asked with a pained but mocking tone, “I hate the ancient and most noble house of black and when I inherit the name I will make sure that everyone knows that the obsession with being pure blooded ended with you. My heirs will be from mudbloods and we won’t even marry!”

Sirius let out a loud booming laugh as he watched his parents’ face twist in anger. Oh well he though, they’re already going to kill me so better make it worth it.

“And you know what is even funnier? If I were to marry it would be to a boy anyway.”

Orion closed his eyes in disbelief for a moment, “So you mean to tell me you’re a faggot as well as a blood traitor.”

“Better believe it daddyo!” Sirius let out a strangled laugh, “I will never be the son you want me to be. Never. I will never be like you.”

“Imperio.” His mother said with a terrifying calmness as undid the clasps on the frame letting Sirius crawl up to standing, “Carve blood traitor into your arm. Deep. So, that it will scar.”

Sirius wasn’t there anymore; he was just a puppet at his mother’s mercy. There was a small knife placed on top of a sheet covered table and without flinching, Sirius picked it up and cut into his own flesh. He didn’t even flinch or wince as he drew the words as easy as writing with a quill.

“You’re a cutter anyway so it will be believable that you would kill yourself.”

Walburga disappeared for a moments before returning with a quill and paper.  
“Write: I am not worthy to be a Black and have brought shame on my family with my very existence. The only way that I could see to remedy this is to end my life and renounce my previous association with mudbloods and half-bloods and blood traitors.”

Walburga watched as Sirius copied down her words exactly with no resistance and then dropped a thick rope by him. 

“Hang yourself until you are dead.”

Before he realized what happened, Sirius felt rough fibres of rope tighten around his neck and his feet found air. Sirius’ hands scrabbled at the noose frantically trying to loosen it as it tightened around his already bruised throat. His feet kicked at the empty air as he thrashed and writhed, the terrifying blackness creeping in from the edges of his vision. Blood rushed to his head as Sirius opened his mouth begging silently for oxygen. 

The blurry figures of his parents drifted out of sight as the door to the attic was shut behind them. He was left alone in a room thick with filth both from dust and the stuff his parent kept up there to die alone. What a horrible sad way to go. Everyone would think he just killed himself, that he gave in to them and that very though filled Sirius with such a rage that in his last moment of lucidness he mentally cursed the house and everyone in it.

But then the rope snapped. Sirius was sent tumbling to the floor in a heap where he lay for a moment gulping air down his throat to sooth his starved lungs. Sitting up shakily, Sirius tried to push himself to his feet, but the rest of his body wouldn’t respond. He didn’t have time to waste, his parents could come back at any moment and finish the job.

Crawling slowly through the thick dust, Sirius tried to stifle the cough hacking its way up from his lungs as every contraction of his chest sending shards of pain through his body. He hadn’t realised with the whipping, but it was likely that some ribs were broken from Orion’s kick. No matter, Sirius pulled himself up on the door before slowly opening it and slipping through.

The stairs seemed to take forever as he carefully kept to the wall, partially to keep himself up, partially because it creaked less. Eventually he made it and he slipped into his bedroom and looked around. What did he really want to take? He could just about manage a rucksack maybe. The more he looked around the room; the more Sirius realised he didn’t really need anything. All his favourite things were back in his dorm at Hogwarts. The only things in the room were the what his parents wanted him to be. The clothes they made him wear, the book they made him read. He grabbed a jumper and closed the door.

Sirius paused at Regulus’ door. He hated to leave his brother in the clutches of his evil parents, but it was too risky. Even now any hint that Regulus was affiliated with Sirius in any way could result in a whole lot of pain for him. Just as Sirius let his hand drop and turned away from the door, it opened. Regulus stood barefoot in his doorway holding a broom. 

“Here, there’s a charm on it so no one can see you while flying it.” Regulus held it out towards his brother with a deep frown, “Please never come back.”

“Fuck you too.” Sirius smiled weakly as he placed a hand on his brothers’ shoulder, “I love you Reg.”

“Love you too. Now get out of here before you get me into trouble.”

They were cut off by the sound of Walburga’s footsteps coming closer up the stairs. A look of panic flashed between the boys for a moment but after a second of hesitation Sirius sent a solid punch at his brother knocking him to the floor with a solid crack.

“What’s going on up there?” Walburga screeched as she started running.

Sirius was already across the room and halfway out of the window when his mother reached the top of the stairs. Looking back for a second, Sirius gave a mock salute as he let himself fall and tucked the broom between his legs vanishing from sight. He could still her shrill cries of anger as he shot down the street away from that house. 

Finally, alone the weight of what happened finally settled across Sirius’ shoulders. He nearly died; murdered by his own parents. Thoughts accelerated through his head and the more Sirius tried to calm himself the more they sped up. His breath came out short and shallow as his heart hammered against his aching chest. The world spun and Sirius sobbed so hard he nearly lost his grip of the broom.

Vaguely Sirius wondered where he could go, if he could keep going to school with no home address, how he could support himself alone. There was his uncle Alphard, he had always been kind, but odds were, he wouldn’t go against the family name for him. He was a blood traitor now. Maybe, he could stay with the Tonks, but they had a small kid and could barely support themselves without any help from the family. Then he remembered James’ words on the platform. Could he? Sirius didn’t have a choice at this point. Maybe just until he sorts something out.

Sirius tilted his broom towards the train station and hoped that he could find it from there. He wasn’t even halfway there when wood began to splinter out from the charm Regulus had carved halfway down the shaft and it exploded into a shower of splinters sending Sirius tumbling to the ground making his head crack into the road. Now he knew why people didn’t charm brooms. Rolling up, Sirius looked at the long tear and graze that went up the side of his leg.

Blood began to drip down his face as he groaned and looked around the dark dimly lit streets and watched as the streetlights reflected of the still puddles like little pools of sunlight. Sirius placed his hand over the puddle watching as the shadow blocked out a patch of gold. 

Headlights blared in Sirius’ face as a car came to a skidding stop just meters from where he sat in the road. A man in a leather jacket jumped out of the driver’s side and started shouting something but quickly stopped as he got closer to Sirius.

“Hey kid, are you alright? I didn’t hit you.” The man asked the panic clear in his voice.

“No, you didn’t hit me.” Sirius said vaguely, “My parents tried to kill me, so I escaped on a broomstick which exploded, and I fell here.”

“Oh right… Do you have somewhere to go?”

Sirius looked up at the man. He was young, maybe mid thirty’s with long blond hair tied up with a bandanna and kind of pretty in a punk rock kind of way. It wasn’t like Sirius could be picky about help at this point.

“Yeah, but I don’t know the address and I don’t know where I am. It’s the Potters house.”

“Get in the car, I have a phone book in the back.” The man hesitated, “You look like shit. Can you walk?”

“Yeah…” Sirius tried to push himself up, but he felt his bones grate against each other, “No…”

The man gathered Sirius up into his arms and placed him gently into the passenger seat and climbed in next to him. It was a lovely car, Sirius probably could’ve named it if he wasn’t in such a state, with deep ox blood red leather seats.

“Radio?” The man asked but switched it on anyway and the first few bars of Have you ever seen the rain by Creedence Clearwater Rival filled the car.

Leaning into the back of the car the man pulled the white pages from off the back seat and flicked through the book carefully.

“So, you just carry one of those things with you?” Sirius asked with a raised eyebrow.

“It’s not that weird,” The man chuckled, “I was a detective up until a few weeks ago.”

“What happened?”

“Let’s just say I have a preference that they didn’t really agree with and punching the Sargent isn’t appropriate.” He said with bitterness in his voice.

Sirius lent his head against the window, his eyes growing heavy. The pain was making his head foggy but he was to wired up with adrenaline to feel it all yet.

“Hey kid, are you sure you are alright? You probably need a hospital.” The man watched as Sirius shook his head, “Alright but what did you do to get this beat?”

“Let’s just say that I have a preference that my parents didn’t really agree with and they thought they could hit it out of me.”

The man sighed, “You too? I remember when I came out to my parents the first time. My dad lost it and came at me with a belt,” He touched his shoulder gently at the memory, “Still got the scars, but it got better.”

“They kicked you out?”

“Yeah but I was a bit older than you. Got a job in a bar, gave a few hand jobs for money but then I met someone and straightened out.”

Sirius could help but let out a snide, barking laugh, “And now you’re jobless for love.”

“Pretty much it.” The man started the car, “Found your friends.”

The ride was comfortable, no forced conversation as Sirius lent back into the chair and watched the world go past. Gentle music flowed through the car and Sirius made a mental note to listen to more muggle music when he could. But then it was over, and the man parked outside Potters house. Sirius opened the door and stepped out into the cool night.

“I don’t have any money.” Sirius looked down at the pavement.

“That’s alright kid, I wouldn’t want your money anyway. You just promise me one thing okay?”

“What?”

“Don’t let people take your love away from you. No matter how mean or cruel the world is don’t let it harden your heart because one day you’ll find something worth struggling for.” The man gave Sirius a soft smile and rolled up his window before driving away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took me ages to write mainly due to the fact that I couldn't figure out how to one up the last time Sirius got abused by his parents. But then I realized that it didnt need to be more graphic, just more personal. Abuse is often an inherited behaviour and I was watching a documentary about a tribe where the women are whipped to bring pride to the family and it made me want to mention that his parents were probably treated horribly too to have this kind of mindset.


	11. Help From A Friend

James heard a quiet knock against his window and slipped out of bed to draw the curtains. Peering out the window, James stained his eyes to try to make out anything that may have made the noise when he saw a darkened figure standing against the tree in his garden.

Slipping on a robe and his boots, James carefully opened the backdoor and stepped out into the cool night air. Sirius sat on a wooden seeing tied to the ridged branches of the tree. James could hardly make out his face in the gloom except the glowing end of the cigarette he held in his hand.

“I didn’t know you smoked.” James said as he lent up against the tree.

“I don’t.” 

“Sure… So why are you out here being all dark and mysterious.”

“You said no questions asked.” There was no humour in Sirius’ voice now, just a cold almost malicious tone that unnerved James.

“Yeah by my parents. I’m your mate Sirius let me in for once.” James picked at the bark absentmindedly.

Sirius hesitated for a moment as smoky tendrils drifted up from the glowing tip, curing in front of his face as he tapped the ash off the end of his cigarette and watched as the orange embers swirled for a moment before drifting gently to the ground.

“I can’t go back James.”

“What happened?”

Sirius didn’t reply with words, instead he let out a gruff scoff and stared back at the floor as he swung gently backwards and forwards with his feet.

“Talk to me mate.”

His voiced hitched as Sirius tried to hold back the flood of emotion that threatened to spill over, “They tried to kill me.” He whispered.

Feeling a swell of rage in his chest, James couched in front of the swing and in the low light he could see two rings of bruising wrapping around his neck. One just below his jaw like he had been lynched, the other lower and more hand shaped.

“We need to get you to a hospital.” James tried but Sirius grabbed his hand in an iron grip.

“No hospitals.” He growled quietly, “I can’t-”

Sirius was cut off as his chest went into spasm and he coughed violently. Looking down at his hand, Sirius noticed a splattering of blood pooled in his palm. James asked something but to Sirius time seemed to slow down and a sudden wooziness washed over him as a tickled of blood trickled down from his nose. Sirius’ eyes rolled back in his head as James leapt forwards to catch him, but he was unconscious before he fell.

***

The gentle but steady sound of beeping seeped through the haze of unconsciousness first. Then the stale smell of bodies and stale bleach, that clinical smell that was only associated with one place. Sirius shot up with a sharp intake of breath and winced in pain as he panted. Looking around the sterile white room he cursed himself.

“Where am I?” Sirius asked furiously but he already knew the answer.

“You’re in the hospital mate.” James put a hand on Sirius’ making him flinch.

It hurt James to force Sirius, but it was for his own good. After he passed out, he screamed until his parents came running and took them to hospital. Then seeing the doctors cutting off Sirius’ clothes exposing the extent of thick scars marring his perfect pale skin and over that the violent bruising and the imprint of his broken ribs poking out. It was only worse as they turned Sirius over to expose the gaping wounds that covered his back. There was so much blood it was almost impossible to see where it was coming from. Then James was forced from the room. 

Looking at him now, James realized just how much he didn’t know about Sirius and the life he was forced to live. He understood his attitude and how he shrunk away when an argument got too heated. A thick scar appeared on his face, but James thought he wouldn’t mention it. He could imagine the story behind it and the only bit James wondered about was how Sirius had managed to keep up the glamour so well. 

“I told you no hospitals.” Sirius roared as he ripped out the drip and went to pull at the tube in his nose but felt an incredible pain spike through his chest.

In one swift motion that tugged on his tender muscles more than he’d care to admit, Sirius threw back the covers, ready to march out of that room and get the hell out of the hospital when he looked down at the thin robe that covered his battered body a feeble effort of dignity. 

“James.”

“Yes?

“Where are my clothes?”

“Well I think most of them were cut off, but everything was dirty covered in blood anyway.”

Sirius frowned, he didn’t have any more clothed until he got back to Hogwarts, “Well find some more so I can leave.”

“I can’t Sirius.” James let out a sigh, he knew Sirius wouldn’t like it but he hoped that after waking up he’d realize he actually needed to be there. Sirius’ stubbornness never ceased to amaze him.

“Alright, naked it is.” Sirius tried to push himself up, ignoring the daggers of pain that spread out from his back and his ribs. Looking up at James who hovered by his bed side accusatorily, Sirius scowled, “You gonna help me or what?”

“You know I can’t do that Sirius.”

Sirius shook his head, “Well piss off then.”

The nurse came in and scowled at Sirius, “You really should thank your friend. If it weren’t for him bring you here, you would have died.”

“I was doing fine.” Sirius crossed his arms.

“You really weren’t.” James helped the nurse coax Sirius back into bed.

“You nearly died.” The nurse picked up the clipboard from the end of the bed, “You suffered a severe trauma as well as two strangulation wounds never mind all the minor injuries as well. You had two internal bleeds, a concussion, broken ribs and deep lacerations on your back. You are nil by mouth until the swelling in your throat subsides. You were in an induced coma for four days.”

Sirius frowned looked down at the sheets, twisting them between his fingers, “Sorry.”

“What are you sorry for? It’s the people who did this to you who should be sorry.” James said venom lacing his voice.

“Speaking of which. A police officer will be around shortly to get a statement.” 

Sirius visibly paled and the heart monitor he was hooked up to began to beep faster. He opened his mouth to protest but the nurse beat him to it.  
“However, I can see you are taking a turn for the worse and I’ll have to postpone it.” She paused like she was weighing up her next words, “Look, if you promise to never go back to them I can see what I can do to keep the police away until you are better. Your friend’s mother has signed all your hospital forms so she can take you from here.”

“What?” Sirius narrowed his eyes trying to figure out the nurse’s angle.

“As long as you can promises to never go back there, to never let them hurt you again I will do my best to keep the police away from you until you can get out of here.”

“Why are you helping me?”

“I know your family Sirius Black. I know that nothing the police could do would bring them to justice, that like everyone else that has tried to speak out about them you will be made to disappear. You can get on with your life and leave them behind, you friends mum has signed all of your hospital documents so she can take you from here.”

Sirius was kept in for a few more days and true to her word the nurse kept the police away from him though it didn’t stop them lurking in the hallway on the other side of the glass. 

Euphemia mother quickly discharged Sirius while Fleamont wheeled him in a wheelchair down the hall to the carpark with James hot in pursuit keeping an eye out for any Black’s or police officers. But then they got to the car and sped away from the hospital back to the Potters house.

“You’re probably starving,” Euphemia clapped her hands together eager for something to break the sombre mood hanging over the house, “I swear that hospital intended to starve you.”

That would have been half funny if it weren’t for Sirius’ dwindling appetite and the fact that every time a nurse brought him food he’d shout and kick it away. In fact, since he had woken up, Sirius had fallen into a foul mood and seldom spoke or smiled or joked like they were so accustomed to.


	12. Fuck The Waffles

Sirius though being nearly killed by his parents and being kicked out would have been rock bottom for him, yet he found it wasn’t even close. Instead it was propped up against two fat pillows with a pile of waffles thrust under his nose.

He really didn’t know what was wrong with him. The smell of food made Sirius want to throw up and he was so angry at everything. Every part of his head was screaming to chill out, but he couldn’t stop the venom forcing itself out of his mouth. At this point he assumed that the Potters were descendant from angles for the patience they all showed him.

He pushed the plate away, “James, no offence but get those fucking waffles away from me.”

James didn’t even flinch at Sirius’ snapping tone and placed the plate on the floor next to the bed.

“You need to eat Sirius.” James said calmly.

“I want to go for a walk.” Sirius muttered as he leapt out the door and made for the door.

James was up quickly to block the door, but he ended up catching Sirius as he stumbled and let out a yell from the pulled stiches in his back. Pushing himself away from James, Sirius stood upright and made for the door again. 

“Shall I ask you politely or just use force.” Sirius threatened, though it didn’t exactly send fear down James spine as he watched the weak boy in pyjamas try to get past him.

Smirking at the challenge, James crossed his arms, “Try me then. You aren’t getting out of this room.”

It wasn’t a challenge at all. Sirius knew he stood no chance against James, he barely did at full strength, and it looked like James had bulked up a little over the summer. 

“Piss off you wanker.”

Before he knew what happened the hand that Sirius had raised to flip James off was twisted behind his back forcing him to his knees with a high-pitched squeal. 

“What the fuck! Get off me you dick- oh lord that hurts- you’re going to pull my stiches!” Sirius screeched as he tried to wiggle out of James’s grip.

“Not until you eat a waffle.”

“Fuck you waffles!” Sirius screamed but he tapped out nether the less, “Fine! Let go you cock womble.”

James let Sirius go and chuckled, “Cock womble? That’s creative.”

“Fuck off.”

Sirius picked up the plate of warm caramelised waffles that dripped in golden syrup. Any other day he would have worshiped the very sight of the sicky treat for breakfast but not today. Today it just reminded Sirius of al the things he didn’t have. Staring down at the plate for a moment, Sirius picked up a fork and James mentally thanked the gods.

As it was, James thanks too soon as he felt something warm and alarmingly stick smash into the side of his face. Mother fucker. James flicked the majority of the smashed waffle off his skin and heavy pause followed and before Sirius knew it, James had turned away and marched out of the door shutting it firmly behind him.

“Are you freaking kidding me!” Sirius scowled as he tried the knob. The bastard has locked it.

Sirius felt a pang of guilt, they were being so kind to him but at the same time he couldn’t curb the searing anger that spilled from him. Usually he made himself calculate every word and every movement, but now he just found vile, molten things spitting from his mouth like he wanted people to hate him.

“Stupid, interfering nanny.” Sirius ground out as he tried the doorknob again.

Even the anger that consumed him could cover the panic that began to flood over him trapped in the little room. The room suddenly seemed to go dark as tendrils of shadow crept from the corners and Sirius pressed his back into the door as he scrambled to get away from it. A sob threatened to bubble from in his chest, but the doorknob twisted and moved away from his back. 

Sirius immediately rubbed his face to try and cover up how close to panic he was, but James saw it. 

“Forget your attitude?” Sirius fired before he could stop himself.

“No…” James blinked, “I brought a cloth.”

“Oh.”

James paused and nodded to the mess of waffle on the floor, “You gonna clean that up or shall your nanny clean up your mess.”

Guess he heard me. Sirius snatched the cloth from his friend and knelt carefully on the floor, wiping up the mess with a little too much attention.

“I’ll leave.” Sirius sighed, “I’m ruining your summer and your food.”

When no sarcastic comment came back, Sirius glanced up to see James staring down at him with an odd expression.

 

“I…” he started but then averted his eyes.

“What?”

“I’m sorry for twisting your arm and locking you in the room.” James said slowly.

Sirius just stared up at his friend, mouth agape, expression reading ‘what the fuck’. Sirius had never heard James apologise so directly.

“Um. It’s okay…” Sirius didn’t know what to say to that really, “But I’m the one who should say-”

“Don’t.” James cut Sirius off with a harsh look that immediately softened, “Let’s go for a walk.”

Sirius raised an eyebrow; he didn’t not expect that.


	13. Black Inside And Out

When Sirius awoke drenched in cold sweat, a dying scream on his lips as he grappled with the demons from his fading nightmare, he thought he was dying. James knelt by his side, the shadows around his eyes full of pity and concern. Sirius pushed him away when he tried to touch him and stumbled down the stairs where he collapsed on the couch, shaken to the core. The nightmare was still real; the whispers lingered in his ears, raising hot goose bumps all over his body. Even when he tugged off his sodden shirt and replaced it with a blanket, curling into a ball, staring wide-awake at the empty fireplace, the blurred images darted across his vision.

The hours passed like eternal seconds. He didn’t want to go back to sleep - couldn’t. The terror that awaited him in unconsciousness was far worse than the cold, lonely wakefulness he suffered. When first morning came, he heard James pad quietly down the stairs. He squeezed his eyes shut when he placed another shirt on the coffee table and wrapped another blanket around his shaking form.

The light from a car illuminated the room in light for a moment before a serene darkness subdued the house into a quiet slumber once again. Trembling, Sirius shrugged off the blankets and put on the shirt before he returned upstairs where he showered for almost an hour. Even when he’d scrubbed off the sweaty stickiness of his terror and emerged fresh and clean, his exhaustion weighed him down and he collapsed back into his bed. 

He slept fitfully into the day, and when he awoke, it was to the smell of something delicious.

The Potters must have sensed it, because they didn’t try to ask Sirius about his nightmare. They simply let him eat the scrambled egg that was made for him in silence, offering no more than the occasional tentative smile or an offhand comment about errands they had to run.

He should have really been grateful. One of the perks of living in the outskirts of the city was that the Potters had the space for a huge walled garden which meant that Sirius could wonder for hours and never be too far away. On top of that, he hardly saw anyone other than the house, or rather garden, elves who were too busy to bother talking to him. That suited Sirius just fine.

Another perk of living with the Potters was that he now had access to any Muggle things he wanted. Sirius had got himself a Walkman and a few tapes to listen too when his thoughts got too loud and weirdly it really helped. 

But there was an empty feeling that came with these strolls. Every time Sirius sat to watch the crystal stream flowing gently under the bridge or gaze at the bees as they clung to the swaying flowers, he felt the familiar pang in his chest. Even the light that sparkled through the purple glass greenhouse seemed to beautiful to be gazed upon by Sirius’ eyes.

It was hard to imagine that the boisterous, clumsy James could have grown up in such a place. Sirius wasn’t sure what he’d expect the first time he had visited the Potters, maybe a small messy house full of smiling faces, but everything was so delicate, so pristine.

It was one of these times when Sirius sat in the garden under the shelter of a fat olive tree with a dainty metal bench wrapped around its base. It was pretty out of the way and by the look of the bench, nobody had sat on it in a long time.

Plonking himself down on the bench, Sirius dared himself to dwell on the nightmare to see if he could remember what had gotten him into to such a state. A morbid part of his was desperate to know but at the same time he really didn’t want to think about it. It was strange. Sirius had nightmares before, who wouldn’t living like he was, but they never felt so suffocating, so full of dread.

Sirius supposed it was probably only natural. After years of repressing every emotion and thought into an unfathomable void, it was all spilling out with vengeance.

It was hot. Too hot. Even in the shade, Sirius felt himself sweating through the loose cotton shirt he wore. Wiping his forehead with his sleeve, Sirius was suddenly tempted. Pulling up the material he exposed the fraying bandage that covered his forearm. He had to look. 

Gently pulling the tape that held it together, Sirius unwound the bandage to reveal the angry, partially scabbed words he was forced to carve into himself. Sirius never looked when having the dressing replaced so he could almost pretend that they weren’t there. Tutting, Sirius scrunching the bandage up in his hand and shoved it into his pocket before tugging the sleeve back down. It made Sirius feel sick when he looked at it.

James came wandering down the path humming a tune Sirius didn’t recognise, “Hey, we’ve gotta go out for a bit, visiting my grandma. Are you going to be okay here on your own?”

“Of course.” Sirius waved a dismissive hand.

“We’ll only be a few hours. And I’m pretty sure that she’ll give us rock cakes to bring back too.” James plonked himself on the bench beside Sirius, “You sure you are going to be alright?”

“Geesh, run along nanny.” Sirius rolled his eyes.

“Alright… See you in a few.” James went to get up again but hesitated, “Oh yeah, and Alvar has been told to keep an eye on you, so you don’t get to lonely.”

“Great a babysitter.”

“Stop being a moody bastard. She’s just there if you need anything.” James patted Sirius on the shoulder and walked back up the path to the house.

Sirius let out a sigh, he must sound like a total brat. Guess my parents were right. It was all too much. Even when he was miles away from them, Sirius could still hear their cruel words and feel their disappointed glares. Darkness seemed to surround him like an inescapable void stamping the breath from his lungs.

Trying to shake the toxic thoughts from his head, Sirius drummed his fingers on the metal bench in attempt to ground himself. There was a strange fizzing sound and Sirius looked down to see the piece of bench he was taping had begun to dissolve.

“Huh…” Sirius frowned in confusion, “What… No!”

Even his touch was toxic now? Sirius snatched his hand back in horror and leapt up from the bench. To Sirius’ horror, every step sent out dark tendrils which made the flowers wilt and the bees drop from them lifeless before melting into black sludge.

“No, no, no, no! I’m sorry, please.” Sirius tried lifting the flowers back up like making it upright would fix everything.

A loud creaking made Sirius whip around in fear, the old olive tree had thick lines of decay running up its gnarled trunk. Stumbling backwards, Sirius fell to the floor and curled his knees up to bury his face like if he couldn’t see it somehow it would all stop. 

“I’m sorry, please, I-” Sirius’ voice broke as he tumbled into to his own fear and guilt. 

Sirius felt his chest get tighter as he struggled to breath, sobs ripping through his curled-up frame. The only things that seemed to linger in his head long enough to understand was thoughts of fear and disgust.

“Mr Black can you please stop killing the garden.” A voice cut the haze of Sirius’ breakdown making him look up in shock.

A house elf wearing a faded blue dress that looked like it would have been used on a doll once stood a few feet in front of him tapping her foot impatiently.

“I don’t know what’s happening.” Sirius said quietly.

“Come inside, the masters asked me to make you some lunch.”

Sirius was so taken aback, he almost forgot about the fact that his non-verbal magic was killing everything. He had never been spoken to so directly by a house elf, in fact he had never heard anything but cruel muttering from Kreacher. This one spoke like a nanny Sirius had once, impatiently direct but fair.

“But-” Sirius started but the house elf tugged on his shirt, 

“No time to dawdle Mr Black, the tea will get cold.” She said.

“… Um… Okay…” Sirius tried to stand on his shaking legs but stumbled back to the ground earning a sympathetic look from the elf.

Placing her hand on Sirius’, the elf teleported them both into the kitchen of the Potters house. It was impressive, she even made sure that Sirius was transported straight onto a chair. A pot of tea pushed itself onto the table before the elf hopped up to pour some into a mug set out on the table.

“Tea is good for the soul, that is what Master Fleamount always says.” She said not really to anyone.

“Thank you.” Sirius tentatively raised the mug tentatively to his mouth, ignoring the way his hands shook.

“There are scones, they are fresh from the oven.” The elf cut the scone in half and spread a layer of jam and cream on to each side.

He couldn’t remember the last time he had actually finished a meal, everything recently just tasted like dust and his appetite was practically non-existent. But as the elf pushed the plate towards him, Sirius felt his stomach roll with hunger. Cutting off a little piece, Sirius put the scone to his lips for a moment before placing it in his mouth and letting the flavours of it wash through his body.

“Don’t worry about the garden.” The elf said as she sat cross legged on the table across from Sirius, “It’ll be fixed by the time you go back.”

“I don’t think I should.” Sirius concentrated on stirring the tea in front of him, “I killed everything.”

“Don’t worry, it’s a pretty common trait for your people.” 

Ouch.

The house elf grinned cheekily, “Things grow, things die, that’s just life.”

Sirius hummed, “I ‘spose so.”

The house elf jumped down from the table and walked back out into the garden for a moment before returning with a bag of wildflower seeds, “If you feel so bad about it why don’t we fix it.”

A small grin formed on Sirius’ face; he had never done gardening before except the little they did in Herbology. Even then, he usually let Remus do all the dirty stuff. Following the little house elf back into the garden, Sirius was amazed to see all the decay had been scrubbed out of the tree leaving deep ravines in its bark and all the dead flowers had been removed leaving fresh soil in its wake.

Taking a handful of seeds in his hand he copied the house elf when she scattered the seeds across the soil evenly and handed him a rake to cover them with a little soil. Though he didn’t really do anything, Sirius found it strangely therapeutic.

“Will the tree be alright?” Sirius asked once they were finished.

“It will be. Do you have your wand with you?” 

Sirius opened his mouth then closed it again, he hadn’t even thought about it. The wand was still in his bedroom at Grimmauld Place. Tilting her head, the house elf seemed to understand. She apparated for a moment before returning with his wand in hand.

“Thanks… but now what?” Sirius asked.

“Come on Mr Black, you are a Wizard. Heal the tree.”

Taking a deep breath Sirius pointed the wand at the tree and closed his eyes. Unbeknownst to him a green flash shot from the end of his wand into the ground at the base of the tree. Slowly but surely, that same green light began to work its way like veins through the trees bark until it slowly knitted it back together.

Opening his eyes, Sirius let out a breathy laugh. He did it. He had healed the tree. A smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. Guess I’m not too bad after all. The bench was still broken but at least he had fixed the tree.

An hour later, the door opened with a bang disturbing Sirius from where he lounged on the sofa. James sauntered in with a huge plate piled high with rock cakes.

“Oh wow, how long did that take her to bake?” Sirius asked, impressed.

“Well she had dementia, so she kept forgetting she had made them. But more for us, right?” James laughed and handed the plate back to his father before plonking himself down on the sofa next to Sirius, “You didn’t get too bored, did you?”

“No, no. it was pretty uneventful.” Sirius said vaguely, he really didn’t fancy explaining his day, he was too exhausted.

“Did Alvar treat you okay? She can be pretty cheeky sometimes.”

“Uh, I didn’t see her…” Sirius couldn’t recall ever seeing another human in the house, only the house elf… Oh… Sirius didn’t even ask her name, “Alvar is the house elf.”

“You bastard Black,” James chuckled, “I’m surprised she didn’t rip you a new one for that. Alvar is literally the most outspoken elf I have ever met. I played a prank on her once and she didn’t do my laundry for a week.”

“She was probably too struck with my beauty to think of introducing herself.” Sirius said with a flamboyant toss of his hair.

James hesitated for a moment, “My parents are hosting a little party on Saturday. It’ll be boring as hell, but they wanted to know if you’re up for it.”

“Stop asking if I’m up for stuff and just tell me what is happening.” Sirius crossed his arms; he was getting tried of people pussy footing around him.

“Whatever you say Sirius.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay needy author time...  
> Please give me feedback! What you like, what you don't like all that stuff.  
> Noice, thanks guys, author out.


	14. The Perks of Polite Adult Parties

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This gets a bit messy so just a heads up.

Sirius had decided that he would never go to one of those polite parties that adults liked to host, he had been forced to sit through so many with his parents, but when Euphemia gave him those puppy eyes Sirius couldn’t say no. it was a bad idea. Sirius knew this from the first moment he stepped in the room.

He could feel the eyes on him as soon as he entered the Potters large living room. He could feel the quiet whispers and the worried glances as the people noticed how battered he still was. The walls tipped inwards and all the conversation turned into muffled white noise in his head. It was like looking through a kaleidoscope. Amongst the dim chatter he could hear the rumour mill turning.

-“What is a Black doing here?”-

-“Did you see those bruises?”-

-“I heard he is a blood traitor.”-

Sirius tried to pretend that they didn’t exist, but the noise was all around him. They were in his head, muttering in his ears and even when he clamped his hands over them the voices till breathed down his neck. Unfamiliar eyes regarded him like he was less than human or with pity sending a shiver of anxiety down his back.

“Sirius!” 

Sirius snapped his eyes open – that voice he knew – and saw James peering into his face with a look of worry.

“Yep, I’m here.” He stammered, disorientated as the world slowly came back into view.

James wasn’t stupid. He had put up with enough of Sirius’ shit over the past few years, especially the last week, to see through any front he put up. Right now, that scared Sirius.

“You alright?” James asked with a pat on Sirius’ shoulder.

“Naturally, I am an amazing socialite.” Sirius tried to charm but it kind of fell flat.

Secured by James side, mingling suddenly became much easier. No one would dare whisper while he stood at the side of a Potter, they were the hosts after all. Also, it definitely helped that Sirius was on his third glass of wine as well.

As Sirius sat on the comfortable sofas surrounded with politely chatting people, he decided the waiters that had been hired for the night were the only ones with any sense in them. Every time Sirius glass became empty there was another one waiting on a tray for him. Though, on an empty stomach it was going to his head a lot quicker than usual. The room began to smear as he caught a sight of a stranger staring back at him in the mirror across the room.

“Hey are you Sirius, Sirius Black?” A boy in the year above Sirius with a name he couldn’t place fixed him with intense green eyes.

“Yeah, what of it?” Sirius lounged back and tilted his head a little, he wasn’t bad looking and Sirius had lost all sense of tact at this point.

“Kurzel, Jed Kurzel,” Jed offered a hand, “I’m in the year above you.”

“That much I guessed.” Sirius drawled with an easy smile.

“I just wanted to say, I think it’s amazing that you stood up to those racists. At least one of you see sense.”

Sirius let his smile drop and felt a surge of anger flood him, how dare a stranger talk of events he knew nothing about, “One of us see sense? I forgot that just because we wear that name Black it means all of us are immediately racist arsehole.”

Taken a back, Jed held his hands up and tried to dig himself out of the hole he’d found himself in, “No, I didn’t mean it like that… you’re different sure but-”

“In my family people who don’t obey are made to disappear so don’t assume for a moment that I would leave my family for something as petty as politics or righteousness.” Sirius said stepping up so he could face the boy.

Sirius’ glass was empty, and he cursed under his breath before looking around at the people watching him with confused looks of pity on their faces.

“Sirius…” James placed a hand on Sirius’ shoulder but he shrugged it off.

“Don’t for one moment think that you know what its like in that household.” Sirius spat.

James tried to put a hand on Sirius again, but he flinched away with a hiss, “Don’t!” he yelled probably too loud, but he really didn’t care at this point, “Don’t even try, James. Don’t any of you try - you - you’ve got no fucking idea! None of you…I…”

Sirius felt his heard accelerate in his chest and got louder with each second until its all he could hear over the stares that were coming his way. He was going to have a panic attack. Blindly he stumbled away from the sofas and rushed up the stairs towards the bathroom.

Tripping into the bathroom, Sirius was consumed by darkness. The long mirror on the wall stared back at him another reminder of the evil blood in his veins as his own reflection distorted before his eyes. Curling his fist into a ball, Sirius send a punch into the mirror barely feeling any remorse as it shatters into the sink and embedded in his knuckles.

Sirius braces himself over the pristine sink, drawing in shaky breathes. He felt trapped, every muscle in his body seized and constricted and he wanted to scream. Before he knew it, tears were spilling down his face and bounced off the fragments of glass in the sink. Picking up a larger piece he saw his own dismayed reflection staring back at him.

Wiping his face with his sleeve, Sirius watched as the sodden material turned see through and let those words burn through, another reminder, another label that Sirius was branded with. 

Unless he wasn’t.

Scars over scars until the writing was buried.

That seemed far more appealing, so easy, Sirius couldn’t believe that he hadn’t thought of it before.

With shaking hands, he griped the larger piece of glass again and held it so tight it cut into his fingers. Sirius watched as the blood beaded up and dripped slowly into the sink. Holding the glass above his forearm, Sirius pressed the blade into his skin and savoured the bite of it as he split his skin apart.

Something wriggled in his skin. Pulling apart the wound, Sirius swore he could see something moving in there and nearly gagged. Rotating the blade in his hand, Sirius slashed down again and again until the crawling feeling was replaced with a burning pain that ripped through his nerves. Stumbling backwards, Sirius fall to the floor and held the bloodied arm away from him begging silently for the crawling to stop. 

Biting his mouth through the sobs wracking his body, Sirius dragged his eyes back to the lines of gore and peered into them. Instead of fat poking through he just saw a mass of wriggling maggots squirming to get out of his skin. Holding it away for him, Sirius couldn’t stop the panic as it reared its ugly head and shook his body until his vision went dark around the edges. 

Vaguely, he heard someone shouting his name, but he was too far gone. There were bugs behind his eyes and Sirius raised his hands to claw at them but there was a weight on his chest that paralyzed him. Two hazel eyes peered through the haze of red and decay and for a moment it ground him.

“Sirius… What have you done?” James asked not bothering to cover the panic on his face.

“There were bugs…” Sirius tried to explain but then the world just went black.

***

Sirius was getting tired of waking up, period. Waking up meant dealing with the world and the world was tricky. Vaguely he could hear whispers somewhere in the room. He let his eyes flutter open, barely able to make could the cluster of figures hovering in the room. Sirius closed them again, but no one noticed, they were too engrossed by their conversation which seemed to be about him.

“He could have killed himself Fleamount.” Euphemia sounded tired, “I think we should take him to a hospital.”

“No way, you saw how much he hated it last time. I think it’s better to keep him here. To show the boy that we won’t toss him away for not being perfect.” Fleamount reasoned.

A twist of guilt panged through Sirius; how could he do that to these people who have been nothing but kind for him. He was such a hassle, what a waste of everyone’s time.

“I’m just saying that if he does this again, I might not be able to patch him up.”

“Shush,” That on was James, “Let’s talk about this later, you might wake him up.”

Sirius had had enough, he flicked his eyes open and twisted his head, “It’s a little late for that.”

They startled like rabbits, but James was the first to recover, “How are you feeling Sirius.”

“Wonderful.” Sirius narrowed his eyes, how exactly was he supposed to answer a question like that.

At least this time he was clothed in soft white pyjamas instead of a hospital robe. Somehow Sirius didn’t feel like his dignity was quite restored however, probably because the last time he had seen them, he was a drunken mess on the way to slicing his arm open. Yikes. Rolling over he saw that his arms had been tied to the frame of the bed. Raising an eyebrow, he had to bite his tongue to stop a filthy comment, but he suspected that now wasn’t the time.

“Um, what’s with the cuffs?” Sirius resigned himself just to an eyebrow wiggle.

“Well we didn’t know how you’d be when you woke up so… Bondage?” James suggested but then realised he had said the very thing that Sirius was baiting for and shook his head.

“What would I be like?” Sirius echoed incredulously.

“You have to understand dear boy,” Fleamont offered in a stoic tone, “One minute you were saying some worrying stuff, the next James was carrying you over his shoulder covered in blood.”

Well when he said it like that…

Sirius shuffled himself up to sitting best he could with his hands tied, “I’m fine.” Sirius laughed, “Seriously I just had a bit too much to drink, that’s not a thing that usually happens.”

“How are we supposed to believe that Sirius?” Euphemia frowned.

“By listening to me?”

The Potters exchanged a look. Sirius gave another pained laugh and flopped back on the pillows and closed his eyes like he could just pretend none of this was happening is he could see them,

“Oh my god! This is so dumb! You’re fussing more than my parents ever did. You take the smallest thing and make it into this - this big deal! I’m fiiiiiine. Got it? F-I-N-E FINE.”

He wasn’t fine. Even when trying to reassure them he just gave them more reason to see through the bullshit. It was so obvious.

“Listen, listen, listen… I’m… sorry … I ruined your party” He tried again, a little more sincere this time. “I truly am. But it won’t ever happen again.”

Sirius didn’t believe the words that came out of his mouth. It depended if he could still read the words or not, but even then, he’d probably just find another reason sooner or later.

“Can you promise?” James spoke up making Sirius open his eyes again to lock eyes with him, “Can you promise that it won’t happen again?”

Sirius opened his mouth and then closed it again. The hesitation was telling enough making James sigh.

“Alright Sirius, I’m not gonna push you right now. I know that I can’t fix all the stuff going through your head but I’m with you all the way. We all are.” James’ face softened as he wrapped an arm around Sirius’ shoulder, “Just tell me if it’s getting bad.”

Sirius nodded gulping back the lump in his throat. How was he suppose to tell then when it was getting bad when he didn’t even know until he was right in the midst of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was kinda hard to write because it was very heavily based on my own experience. When I was at my worst (about two years ago) I though there were bugs crawling under my skin which lead to my worst self harm. Its called Delusional Parasitosis and in my case it was a result of psychosis from long term abuse. I think so far everything I have written about is fairly accurate as it is based off my own experiences. But if anything does seem a little far fetched feel free to point it out. 
> 
> I'm not really sure why I decided that in all honesty but I guess I thought a bit of context would be good.


	15. A Long and Passionate Affair

Just like that the summer was over and over the three weeks that Sirius had spent with the Potters he had almost felt a part of the family. It was nice. Even when Euphemia and Fleamount scolded him gently for being too formal or when they sat him down to make sure that he was okay. Sometimes they were a little overbearing, but it was only because they cared, and Sirius was so thankful for it. If he didn’t already, Sirius felt like James had truly become his brother.

Like all good things it had to end and before they knew it, it was time to get back on the train for Hogwarts. Sirius packed a small bag of the few things the Potters had given him but mostly it was full of the pile of sandwiches the Alvar had made him. There was even a little note with a pressed flower wishing him luck back at school.

Sirius looked in the mirror for a moment. There was still some bruising around his neck and a long scab on his temple where he cracked on the road but apart from that he looked pretty normal. He couldn’t keep up more than one glamour at a time so everything else was going to stay for now. Nothing that couldn’t be fixed by keeping his sleeves down.

A wave of inescapable disgust washed over Sirius for a moment and he found himself slamming his hand into the wall before he could stop himself. The sound of hurried footsteps echoed down the corridor towards him and James pushed open the door.

“You alright? I heard a bang.” He asked suspiciously.

“Yeah, I just tripped over my bag.” Sirius said not taking his eyes off his own reflection.

He was cleaner than he had been in a while and his long black hair was brushed through and silky looking tied up in a ponytail. Even the clothes he wore looked refined, like many of the clothes he had been wearing recently they were borrowed from James. Sirius just felt uncomfortable in his skin. Sighing, he tugged the sleeve of the blazer down a little bit more. It would take a long time to even pretend like he didn’t care.

“You know, you almost look respectable in that.” James leant against the doorframe with a teasing smirk.

Sirius didn’t respond, his eyes traced the bruising around his neck as he preoccupied himself with tucking in his already tucked shirt. Letting his smile drop, James placed a hand on his friend’s shoulder. He may act like a prat a lot, but he knew when to be serious.

“You look fine, no one will notice anything.”

Sirius hummed with doubt.

“You know I think you are really overestimating the amount of attention people actually pay to what people look like.” 

Sirius frowned, “Maybe that is true for you, but people find me too stunning to not pay attention.

James scoffed with laughter, that was the Sirius he knew, “Alright, don’t suck your own dick too hard.”

Picking up Sirius’ bag, James went to leave the room but hesitated in the doorway, “What are you going to say to the others?”

“Nothing.” Sirius sat back down on his bed.

“They’re going to notice Sirius. You’re wearing my clothes and my parents are dropping you off.”

“Just tell them we had a long and passionate affair over the summer.” Sirius said with a devilish smirk but then let his face fall, “If they ask, you tell them but no details okay.”

“Okay. The car is packed if you want to hop in.”

***

True to James’ word nobody really seemed to pay attention to him or noticed the bruising. No even the other Blacks spared a glance in his direction as they dropped off Regulus at the other end of the station. Before Sirius could feel any apprehension about being this close to his parents, Euphemia wrapped a protective arm around him and made sure the Blacks saw her venomous death glare. That filled Sirius with a warm burst of pride.

“Are you going to be alright going back dear? It is more than alright if you want some more time at home. Whatever you need.” Euphemia wrapped her hands around Sirius’ shoulders.

“It’ll be good to get back into routine.” Sirius bit the inside of his lip for a moment, “Thank you so much for putting up with me. I know I’ve been pretty wretched the past two weeks.”

“Speak nothing of it.” Fleamont clasped Sirius on the shoulder, “No boy should have to go through what you have been through Sirius. We were thankful to have you with us.”

Sirius felt tears collect in his eyes as James and both of his parents wrapped him up in a deep hug. He didn’t even care that it made his ribs ache. That is what family was supposed to be. It was supposed to be love in your darkest moments, and support for who you are. Unconditional and relentless and selfless. Though he had only stayed with them for a few weeks, Sirius thought he finally knew what it was to feel loved.

Behind them the Hogwarts Express hooted loudly as it drew into the station. Quickly yelling their goodbyes, James and Sirius hopped onto the train and set about looking for their usual carriage. Remus was already seated and settled by the time they got there, he hated the bustle and the rush, so he always got on early.

As soon as he saw them, Remus’ face lit up and he stood to embrace his friends. When Remus enveloped Sirius in a tight hug, it was all he could to hold back the tears of pain as he let out a quiet yelp. Remus leapt back with a horrified look on his face as his eyes were drawn to the mess of Sirius’ neck, but James swooped in before questions were asked.

“Come on bone-crusher Lupin, where is my hug?” James launched himself into the other boy knocking them both to the floor.

Shaking his head, Sirius plonked himself and his rucksack on the bench next to the window. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed a small boy scurrying towards train pushing his trolley so fast it looked like it would take off. As he got closer, Sirius recognised him and rolled his eyes.

“Guess who was late again.” He said tapping on the glass.

Bundling over the window James stopped his hugging assault on Remus, “If only he could run that fast when we’re in trouble.”

James opened the window and began yelling light-hearted abuse at the hassled Peter, ignoring all the disappointed glares from the other people left on the platform until a red head poked her head out of the window next to them.

“Oi, Potter will you pack it in.” Lilly yelled as she flipped him off.

“Oh hey Lills, had a good summer?” James tried to be smooth, but Sirius knocked his feet out from under him making James stumble backwards into the train.

“Bastard!” James yelled through his laughter, “That was my first impression of the year!”

“You’ll thank me later James, this way you might still have a chance.” Sirius grinned, he was still rooting for the pair.

James went to launch himself at Sirius but then remembered the look of pain on his face when Remus hugged him and twisted at last moment to plonk himself on the bench next to him. Raising a suspicious eyebrow, Remus frowned, he had never seen James hold back from rough housing with Sirius before… Weird…¬

Before he could dwell on it too much, Peter stumbled into the carriage looking red faced and tired, “We got stuck in traffic.” He wheezed.

“Only you.” James rolled his eyes and went to make another comment, but the last call of the train cut him off as it pulled away from the station.

“How are you? Didn’t hear too much from you over the summer Sirius.” Remus asked sincerely, that boy was too observant for his own good.

Sirius shrugged trying his best not to think about it, “Yeah, I was pretty busy. You know family stuff…” he said waving vague hand.

“From what you’ve said I couldn’t imagine spending six weeks with the whole Black clan.” Peter said with a laugh, missing Sirius scowl as his family was brought up.

“So how was your holiday Pete?” James said, quickly moving the subject on.

“Good actually, I visited my aunt in Spain, and I met a very pretty Senorita there.” That earned a collective oooh, “Yeah her name was Maria and she’s a dancer.” 

“Come on mate, details.” James prompted but Peter shook his head.

“Sorry, what happens in Spain stays in Spain.”

“So, nothing happened then.” Remus said straight faced. Somehow the way he just stated things was more savage than all the digs James and Sirius could ever do,

Peter went red in the face and tried to protest but Remus had already moved on, “What about you Sirius? How was your holiday?”

James’ head snapped around to lock eyes with Sirius like he was asking for direction if he needed to step in, but Sirius kept his expression neutral as he looked ahead at the wall next to Remus’ head.

“It was fine.” He said a little too quickly. This seemed like a perfect time to leave and let James explain so Sirius got up and went to leave calling, “Toilet,” over his shoulder as he went.

Remus turned to James with a questioning look and James let out a sigh, now it was his turn.

“Sirius got kicked out over the summer, he is living with me at the moment.” 

Peter’s mouth dropped in shock with a look of pity on his face while Remus looked pretty much neutral. Remus had watched as the Potters dropped Sirius off at the station with nothing but a filthy look towards the rest of the Blacks.

“How long?” Peter managed close his mouth to ask.

“Three weeks. Just help me keep an eye on him. Sirius is pretty messed up about it. Just don’t mention it like at all.” James said solemnly.

***

As Sirius stepped out of the carriage, sliding the door shut behind him he let himself take a breath. He didn’t take two steps before a hand had wrapped around his arm and stopped him in his track. Sirius wanted to scream at them for daring to touch him but as he turned the hatred died on his tongue.

“Sirius are you alright?” Lilly stood with a kind smile.

“Um, yeah… I gotta pee.” Sirius tried to move away again but she pushed him into the empty carriage across from them and closed the door.

“I noticed that the Potters were the ones to wave you off rather than the Blacks.” Sirius noticed how she didn’t call Orion or Walburger his parents and he liked that more than he’d admit.

“Oh yeah, your family are muggles, so you probably didn’t hear. I’m a blood traitor, I got kicked out.” Sirius said as casually as he could.

“Good riddance. You’re better off without them.” Lilly scoffed.

“What makes you say that.” Sirius raised an eyebrow making Lilly raise her own like it was obvious.

“Don’t kid me Sirius. I know abuse when I see it and I’ve seen it.”

A bout of terror overtook Sirius in that moment as he pushed Lilly up against the wall and clamped a hand over her mouth. Glancing around anxiously, Sirius checked if anyone was around to hear but quickly dropped Lilly when she bit his hand.

“No can hear us in here…” Lilly wiped her mouth on the back of her hand, “I’m proud of you. No matter how difficult they are its still family and that means something even when we don’t want it to.”

Sirius scowled, “What would you know?”

Letting out a small sigh, Lilly unbuttoned the top of her shirt and drew it apart. If Sirius wasn’t such a gay disaster, he probably would have found it really hot but instead he just watched enthralled as she drew it over her collar bone. Resting in the crook of her shoulder lay dark patch of tight skin that stood out against her pale skin. Without even thinking, Sirius reached out to touch the scar and noticed its firm, rough texture. Sirius looked up at Lilly with a questioning look.

“My sister can’t do magic and when I left to go to Hogwarts, she got really jealous and threw a boiling pot of water at me.” Lilly said sadly, “Second degree burns baby.”

“Shit.”

“Yeah.”

Sirius thought about it for a moment… why not… Taking a deep breath, Sirius rolled up his sleeve and held it out for Lilly to see. He watched her face as her eyes traced over the words etched into his skin. Even with the scars running through it they were still very readable.

“My- Walburga used imperio on me…” Sirius tugged at his collar awkwardly. It felt weird to just say it. Weird but not unpleasant and something about Lilly just made it so easy.

“Okay.” Lilly let out a little laugh, “I think you beat me there.”

“You think?” Sirius laughed as well, “I don’t know what I would have done without James and his parents. He really stepped up.

Lilly eyed Sirius for a moment and rolled her eyes, “Well if he decides to show me this so grown up James then I might think about giving him a chance.”

Sirius laughed, “You won’t tell anyone will you.”

“Buy me a drink at the Three Broomsticks and I might be bought.” 

“You drive a hard bargain Evens.”

With a smug smile, Lilly flitted out of the spare carriage and back to where her friends were waiting for her. Sirius sighed; it was probably time for him to go back too. Sliding open the carriage door Sirius noticed the awkward and sad mood hanging in the air. James must have told them. Sliding onto his seat Sirius leant back onto James lap. 

“I suppose James told you about our passionate affair over the summer.” He said waving his arms dramatically.

“You bastard, I told you not to tell people that.” James was almost tempted to push the other boy off his lap, but he still wanted to be gentle, for now, “Lilly will never love me if she thinks I could be wooed a grimy cock womble.”

“Hey! Don’t steal my insults!” 

“That’s not the only thing I stole over our long and passionate summer.” James mimicked Sirius’ swooning tone making Sirius scowl.

“Alright love birds, I think its time we started to make a plan for the big back to school prank.” Remus said with a mischievous smirk.


	16. Chick Flick Moment

Contrary to popular belief, it was always James that got up first at five to go for a jog and shower before harassing his sleeping friends into getting ready, a tradition that was not missed at all over the summer break. 

“Fly my pretties, fly!” James shrieked as threw open the curtains letting in an offensively bright stream of light.

“Seriously Potter!” Remus rolled further into his duvet, “Every bloody morning!”

Peter let out a loud grunt as he rolled off his bed and wiggled around still wrapped in a blanket which set James off in a roaring laughter until he sat up indignantly. Creeping over to Sirius’ bed, James rolled his eyes at the mass of ratty black hair peeking out from under the duvet. Cautiously peeling back the bedsheet a set of angry eyes emerged followed by an even more angry scowl.

“Rise and shine sweetie.” James said sweetly but it was far from sweet paired with the mocking smile that went along with it.

Sirius pressed his lips together tighter and turned his face away.

“Not speaking?” James started poking Sirius, “I can fix that!”

James prodded Sirius gently through the sheets making the other boy squirm. 

“Sod off!” Sirius shouted as he wrapped his quilt further around his body in a feeble attempt to shield himself from the assault.

“Not until you get up!” James said in a sing-song voice.

Sirius let out a loud groan and threw his sheets from the bed as he padded straight to the bathroom, his morning scowl never leaving his face. Clinging to the edge of the sink, Sirius willed his mood to change, willed himself to slide back into the role of the marvellous Sirius Black. As he stared into the glass and then back at the sink as hot water swirled down the sink. It was just a smile. Just a smile. All he had to do was scrunch his cheeks and no one would know the difference.

Arriving at the great hall a few paces behind his friends, Sirius watched as his friends flung themselves down in their usual spot, but Sirius hesitated. He still could feel the coils of shame from last year that led to him being exiled from the spot. The rational side of his brain told him that that was last year but the tricky part wouldn’t let the feeling of being an imposter die.

Sirius sat at the usual bench with hesitation as he watched other students chat absently and pick out different parts of their meal. As he gazed at the half familiar faces, he felt eyes on the back of his neck from the Slytherin table. A pair of Ravenclaws made eye contact with Sirius and promptly looked away when they realized he noticed. The itchy feeling was back.

The voices surrounding him seemed to get louder and it was getting impossible to focus on anything other than the eyes that lingered too long. Vaguely, Sirius could feel Remus, James and Peter talking and eating but they seemed so far away like he was looking through a fish eye lens. Wrapping his hands tightly in his robe, Sirius stood as normally as he could and began to walk out of the hall calling some excuse over his shoulder.

The next thing Sirius knew was he was leaning over the toilet as his stomach heaving up the small amount of potato he had managed to eat the previous night. Retches tore through his body as he leant his forehead on the toilet lid. It was getting hard to breath. Panic, paranoia and now the nausea were choking Sirius.

A gently knock at the door drew his attention for a moment as another bout of vomit spewed from his lips. 

“Sirius? Are you alright?” Remus was behind him and scooped up Sirius’ hair from out of his face in one hand and rubbed his back with the other.

“Don’t touch.” Sirius managed to gasp out between retches.

“Okay but I’m going to keep your hair out of your face, you nearly got sick on it that time.” Remus let his hand drop back down to his side and waited patiently as Sirius stopped being panting, “Are you sick?”

Letting out a long breath Sirius got up and splashed water on his face and rinsed his mouth out, “No.”

“Why were you being sick?”

“I don’t know. Maybe I ate something bad.” Sirius said coldly, he really didn’t want to have this conversation with Remus.

“That looked like anxiety to me.”

“I’m too beautiful to get anxious.”

Remus raised an eyebrow, “Beauty had nothing to do with anxiety Sirius.”

“Piss off wolf boy.”

“Oh, name calling, how fearsome.” Remus crossed his arms and smirked, “Star boy.”

Sirius felt a wave of embarrassment wash over him as Remus looked at him in sudden confusion, he didn’t understand what he had done to embarrass Sirius.

“Star boy?” Sirius stuttered, “I called you wolf boy because you’re a fury!”

It was Remus’ turn to go red this time, “Oh… I thought… My name means wolf too.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah, Remus and Romulus were twins that led to the founding of Rome, they were raised by a wolf. Lupin means related to the wolf.”

Sirius let his mouth open in disbelief for a moment before bursting out in laughter, “Are you sure that this wasn’t planned?”

“Well Sirius does mean the Dog star so I wouldn’t laugh so hard.” Remus said with a forced seriousness but couldn’t help the laughter escaping his mouth.

“Well I fell into that one.” 

Remus went to place a hand on Sirius’ shoulder but then though better of it and held on the lapel of his robe for a second to get Sirius’ attention.

“Look if you are feeling sick, I can tell the teachers that you are spending the day in bed.”

Shaking his head, Sirius pushed himself up from over the toilet and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

“It’s alright… I feel better now. Let’s just go.”

“Okay. We have potions next right?” Remus looked at Sirius with concern, “Are you sure you are alright?”

“Yeah, let’s just go already.” Sirius brushed Remus off and Stood up as he brushed off his clothes.

The bell must have sounded while they were in the bathroom because as they walked out into the halls the last dregs of students filtered into their classrooms. The only sound that echoed through the halls were the clicking of their shoes as both boys walked in comfortable silence to their next class. 

“Already late Black?” Slughorn muttered without looking up he continued demonstrating the practical to the class.

Shrugging, Sirius walked to the bench he shared with Remus. It was one of the few classes he wasn’t paired with James. As he took off his robe and tied on an apron, Sirius felt something crawl across his neck making his flinch. Slapping his hand to his neck he caught a fire beetle, known for their painful bite, and immediately fixed his eyes on the bench behind him where Lucius and Bellatrix stood trying to look casual as they supressed their laughter.

Flicking the beetle at the pair, Sirius resisted the urge to flip their bench and storm out of the class. 

“Shame it didn’t bite him,” Bellatrix muttered to Lucius, “maybe we should try the bookwork next.”

That was the tipping point. Slamming his fist down on the desk, Sirius gave the pair his most murderous look as he hissed every treat under the sun until Remus placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder. He had heard the whole thing and was less than impressed himself.

“Do you have something to add Sirius.” Slughorn called out making Sirius scowl even harder.

“No sir.” Sirius muttered as he tried to ignore the giggling behind him again.

Remus picked up the leafy looking herb and took it to the bench behind Sirius and began to slowly chop it.

“Don’t listen to them Sirius, they only want a rise out of you.”

“Don’t you think I know that.” Sirius snapped and then hesitated, “Sorry.”

“Its fine, don’t let that bubble over.”

Glancing back, Sirius watched as he chopped the leaves finely with a look of intense concentration. He tried to focus on stirring the pot, but the rage installed by Bellatrix and Lucius lingered and coiled under his skin. Somehow, he knew from the moment his head left the pillow that everything that could go wrong would and life would be out to test him. 

Vaguely, he heard Slughorn warn again about something, the words seemed to blur together but he definitely said not to mix something. Don’t mix… Don’t mix them together.

Thoughts slid from Sirius’ head as he held the little vial over the cauldron. One little drop would make the whole thing explode sending fragments of metal and scalding potion everywhere. One little drop… Before he knew it a single bead of the iridescent liquid had collected on the edge. The light caught it gently as Sirius tipped a little further. 

Just as the droplet left the lip of the jug, Remus happened to look up from chopping his herbs and leapt forwards. Slamming his body into Sirius’, Remus managed to fold them both under the workbench as the cauldron shattered and a small splatter of the potion hit Remus’ leg.

Letting out a yowl of pain, Remus snatched his leg under the desk as well as the smoke cleared. His thoughts weren’t on the potion burning through the flesh on his leg however as he grabbed Sirius by the shoulder close to shaking the spirit out of him.

“What the hell was that!” Remus practically screamed still shaken.

Sirius just looked stunned as he stared over Remus’ shoulder as the molten mess still dripping of the edge of the table.

“Were you trying to kill yourself or something? You know that you have to wait to add-”

Sirius felt a hysterical laughter erupt from his mouth for a second as he processed how close he had been to death. How if Remus hadn’t intervened last second, he would have been dead. Horribly dead.

“Why are you laughing?” Remus demanded, the serious look on his face making the laughter die in Sirius’ throat.

“Shit, sorry I forgot…” Sirius didn’t meet Remus’ eye.

“What happened here?” Slughorn looked furious, “get out from under the table boys!”

Sirius slid out from under the bench followed by Remus who had suddenly remember the potion still burning its way through his leg and let out a cry of pain. Ripping the trouser material away from the wound with shaking hands, Remus looked down as it looked like a deep burn covered in a grey glaze began to spread out across his skin.

“Potter! Help Lupin to the infirmary but come straight back.” He turned to Sirius with a look of disappointment and anger that mostly stemmed from worry, “Are you an idiot?”

Sirius mumbled something incomprehensible.

“So why exactly did you mix the two ingredients I specifically told everyone not to mix? You put your own life and the life of everyone in this classroom at risk. Thankfully Remus’ actions saved both of your lives, but he still got hurt.”

Sirius continued staring at the floor despondently.

“I thought you would have learned your lesson by now Black. Maybe you should think about your actions before you put another student’s life at risk.”

That comment stung, more than he’d ever let anyone know. Digging his nails into the inside of his elbow that was tucked behind his body, Sirius felt like he was being choked by the lump in his throat. Slughorn was still berating him but Sirius couldn’t focus on anything but the burning smirk that Bellatrix wore. Taking a step backwards, Sirius tried to force his legs to stop shaking. He could feel the ghostly pressure of hands around his neck, choking the oxygen from his lungs.

Slughorn sighed, “Sirius are you alright? Perhaps you should go to see Pomfrey as well.”

Wrapping a hand around his bicep, Slughorn ignored Sirius’ flinch as he guided him out of the room and gave him a sincere apologetic look, “I’m sorry if that was harsh Sirius, but you scared the living daylights out of me.”

“It’s fine.” Sirius mumbled as he tugged his arm free from the professor and began to walk down the corridor way but as soon as he was out of sight he began to run.

Sirius felt a red hue drown his mind as guilt tore up his stomach and left a heavy weight on his chest. There was only one remedy for the sickness tainting him, only one way to clear the fog in Sirius’ mind even if it was only for a few moments. 

He made it back to their dorm and threw open the door to the bathroom with shaking hands. Then Sirius could take a breath, a gulp of salvation before sinking under again. Slowly unbuttoning his shirt, Sirius lets his gaze wander over the countless scars that littered his body as it was reflected in the mirror. He had long given up on saving his body any hardships. After all, what was one more scar among the many?

A flash of violent anticipation coiled under Sirius’ skin as he stared at his own flesh. Not that it would ever do Remus’ leg any justice, but at least Sirius knew he had been punished for his misdeeds. Somehow that made him feel a little more secure with his behaviour. He almost wished his father was there to bring the whip down across his back. Almost.

There was no other thought in Sirius’ mind as he gripped the edge of the sink haze eating his mind as the skin on his bicep burned from the bone. 

***

James curled his hands into fists as he walked back to the potion classroom. Watching Sirius get berated by Slughorn and the look of terror on his face turned James stomach, but he had to make sure Remus got seen to first. It was common knowledge that if it wasn’t the explosion that killed you, it would be the spread of the burn that would if it wasn’t treated quickly. 

Throwing the door open, James made his face neutral as he scanned the room for Sirius’ face.

“Where is he?” 

Peter shook his head, “Sirius ran off, looked really shaken up too.”

“And you didn’t follow him?” James asked in disbelief.

“No, I thought he just need some time to calm down. That would have shaken anyone up.”

James shook his head; it wasn’t Peters fault really. He had no idea about what had happened that summer, he had no idea about any of it. All that mattered now is that he found Sirius.

First, he checked the dorm, but the room was empty. It was practically nothing, little more than the sound of something small and metal bouncing off the tiled floor but to James it struck a chord on unease. Deciding not to be hasty, James waited a few moments figuring Sirius was just on the loo or something but as he waited the unease turned to dread.

Reaching out, James slowly pushed the door open. 

Nothing could have prepared him for what he was about to walk in on. As he stood in the doorway, James didn’t quite understand what he was looking at for a moment. Sirius was sat on the floor with his arm outstretched as it raised across his knee as he stared at the pool of blood forming on the ground nonchalantly.

“Sirius?” James practically whispered, “Sirius!”

Snapping out of whatever spell he was under, Sirius snapped around and fixed James a look of anger and panic like he had just been caught stealing cookies from the jar. 

“Oh fuck.” He said on the exhale as he leapt away.

Sirius’ hand slid against the slick floor and he grabbed at the edge of the tub, but that hand was wet too as his fingers slipped against the porcelain and he smacks his elbow against the wall. Dull pain crashed down his arm grounding Sirius for a moment. He didn’t want to be grounded, not for this, he wanted the blood loss induced haziness to deal with James.

Slowly, James’ eyes tracked over the scene: the blood splattered and smeared in messy handprints across the white tiles and on the edge of the bathtub; the steady dripping down Sirius’ arm as it fell in droplets to the floor; the glistening blade that sat in its own little pool of blood where Sirius had let it drop to the floor earlier; then Sirius himself as he sat his vest top and school trousers, shirt and robe discarded in a clean corner of the bathroom.

“Hey James,” Sirius said almost jovially.

Hearing his words, James jolted into action as his mind finally processed the scene and he felt his stomach turn in horror as he traced the source of the bleeding to the jagged edges four wounds. Kneeling beside Sirius, James tentatively reached out.

“You’re getting blood on your trousers.” Sirius pointed out unhelpfully.

“I’ll just wash them… What happened?”

“You should have knocked James.” Sirius said coldly.

“You didn’t answer the question.”

Sirius narrowed his eyes, “I know. How do you think it happened you prick?”

James didn’t have anything to say to that as he watched Sirius lean over and pick his wand up from the floor behind him and poke it roughly into the wounds one at a time as he muttered something. The wound began to knit together as Sirius focused on the next one and then put his wand back down and looked at James intently.

“You’re good at that, healing I mean.”

“Yeah, I am a genius.”

“I know.” That surprised Sirius.

Before he could respond, James stood left the bathroom for a few moments. There were three smudged and misshaped shoe prints from where James had stepped in Sirius’ blood, but he didn’t seem to of noticed, that or he didn’t care. James came back into the bathroom and ran the tap until it went warm before soaking a washcloth. 

Carefully prying his arm from his protective grip, James gently ran the cloth over the dried blood the caked Sirius’ skin, holding it there for a moment to ensure that it all came off. Sirius grit his teeth. His hands were gentle and kind as they grazed Sirius’ skin and it felt so comforting, something Sirius had never gotten accustomed to. 

The warmth of the cloth slowly moved up his arm slowly making Sirius grip his teeth as James cleared the blood from the blood from the collection of scars that littered the inside of his arm and trailed up past his elbow. It was just more evidence of the abuse he had endured and subjected his own body too. Pink water dripped from Sirius’ elbow as James moved to gently to dab the new red scars that donned Sirius’ bicep.

“I thought you said this didn’t usually happen.” James asked sceptically.

“It doesn’t.”

James gestured to the numerous scars that covered Sirius arms and poked out from under his vest, “What are all those then? I know they weren’t all your parents.”

Sirius flinched at that comment and kept his eyes downcast. As he let out a cynical, barking laugh, “I bet you’re really regretting making friends with me now. Like how many more things can be wrong with this guy right?”

“You’re an idiot Sirius.” James shook his head and placed his hand on Sirius’ face forcing the other boy to look at him, “You are literally the love of my life but like not in a gay way.”

Letting out a snort of laughter, Sirius tried to cover up his smile with his hands, “Come on Potter, we both know I’m irresistible in every gay way.”

“You’re lucky you are pretty.” James shook his head, “Talk to me mate.”

Sirius groaned, “Do I have to?”

“Yes. We are having this chick flick moment whether you like it or not.”

Taking a deep breath, Sirius picked at the skin on the side of his thumb, “I felt bad.”

“About the thing with Remus? It was an accident.”

“What if it wasn’t.”

James had a feeling that was coming, “Even so, did you think, ‘hey wouldn’t it be funny if I burned my crushes leg.’ Don’t think so.”

Sirius felt blood flood to his face as his brain short circuited making James burst out laughing.

“Peter told me that you smelled his jumper and I would say that is creepy if I didn’t do the same thing to Lilly’s jumper.”

Swearing under his breath, Sirius let out an embarrassed laugh, “That bloody rat.”

“So, any other shockers you want to drop on me?”

“What? Like I’m gay, I cut myself, my family hates me, my parents are abusive and I turn into a dog for shits and giggles aren’t enough?”

“Yeah, come on. What’s the next bomb you’re going to drop?”

Sirius punched James lightly on the shoulder with a small laugh.

“But seriously though Sirius, I want you to talk to me.” James wrapped an arm around Sirius’ shoulders, “Do you promise?”

Sirius didn’t respond for a moment but then sighed, “You know I can keep that promise.”

“I want you to try though, at least harder that the last promise you made me.” Sirius raised an eyebrow prompting James to elaborate, “You promised no more hurting yourself or have you already forgotten?”

Sirius waved a dismissive hand, “Yes, yes nanny... I’m going to run through the forbidden forest for a bit. Wanna come?”

James let a cheeky smile creep onto his face, nothing beat running through the woods in animal form. Something about being unrecognisable amongst the wildlife was thrilling.

“You know it.”


End file.
